Raelene, 46, would love to lose about 40 kilos. And she’s had great success in the past: all she has to do is eliminate sugar, cut down on the carbs, watch her calories and portion sizing, and the weight will eventually come off.
But the problem is, she just can’t seem to stick to a diet plan for more than a few months.
A cooking teacher and mother of two, Raelene says she simply doesn’t have the discipline to stick with it. And after 15 years of off-and-on-again dieting, Raelene still hasn’t reached the promised land – and like so many of us, is pretty frustrated and confused about what to do.
This is clearly a conundrum.
She knows what she needs to do, but she just doesn’t have the discipline to do it.
In this episode of The Psychology of Eating Podcast, eating psychology master coach Marc David helps Raelene realize something important:
Diagnosing the cause of her weight challenges as a lack of self-discipline is misplaced. And we know that to be true, in part, because her many years of trying to simply muster more discipline hasn’t been working. Discipline by itself will never solve her weight loss problem.
The reality is, Raelene hasn’t been in the right conversation with herself, all because of an incorrect assessment she made about herself many years ago.
As you’ll hear in this episode, Marc helps Raelene refocus on the true heart of the matter:
Understanding what’s truly driving her relationship with food (her eating psychology), and changing her core food beliefs about food, weight, self-worth, and lovability.
So many of us focus on our weight from a place of judgment. But we deserve so much more than that. We deserve our own curiosity, exploration, and self-understanding. And when we can bravely learn to step away from our harsh inner critic, and instead evoke compassion towards ourselves, we can discover what’s really behind our patterns with weight.
For Raelene, part of that is understanding the impact of what she learned in childhood about weight loss: she was a “good” girl only if she was slender. Fat girls would never be loved and accepted.
It’s no wonder that food became a source of anxiety, and the simple act of eating took on so much stress and pressure. If being overweight means being unlovable, then everything she eats must be just right, and her appetite must be in absolute control so she can finally receive love.
But the reality is, Raelene knows deep down inside that this is a battle she can never truly win. So a part of her rebels against dieting because her dieting is being driven from a place of low self worth. Eating to prove one’s self worth is unnatural, and it goes against our humanity and our dignity.
Marc helps Raelene see the beautiful truth that she is unconditionally loved by her kids, her husband, and the people who care about her the most. There is no one in her life who needs her to lose weight so she can be more lovable. Except for herself.
And it’s time to give herself some love when it comes to her body and her weight.
Episode highlights:
- Eating psychology tools to help change unhelpful beliefs about food and body
- How to take the pressure off of weight loss, while also setting ourselves up for weight loss success
- How to shift out of dieting mentality
- Discovering who you are as an eater, and why that matters when it comes to weight
- How to quiet the unwanted inner conversation around food
- And more…
We’d love to hear your own experience or thoughts about this episode – please drop us a comment below!
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EPISODE TRANSCRIPT
Why Self-Discipline Can’t Fix All Our Weight Loss Woes
Marc David
Welcome, everybody. I’m Marc David, founder of the Institute for the Psychology of Eating. We’re in the Psychology of Eating podcast and I’m with Raelene today. Welcome, Raelene!
Raelene
Thanks, Marc! Thanks for having me.
Marc David
I’m so glad you’re here. I love your name. It’s so unusual. And I know you’ve seen the podcast before. For anybody who’s a first time listener, Raelene and I are meeting for the first time and we get to have a session together and see if we can make some good things happen. So you can get whatever you wanted with food and body Raelene, what would that be for you?
Raelene
If I could get whatever I wanted, it would be settled in a way of eating that works for my body and works for me and stops that chatterbox in my head that, you know, derails me whenever I’m sort of feel great about what I’m doing for some unknown reason I talk myself out of it, or I go off plan. And I’d just be consistent with a clothing size so I will invest in myself a bit better. And yeah, that’s what I’d really like to have happen.
Marc David
So does your weight go up and down?
Raelene
Yeah, pretty much. Only by about 20 kilos, but…
Marc David
And are you looking to lose weight then at this time?
Raelene
Oh, definitely! Yeah.
Marc David
How much would you like to lose?
Raelene
I’m not sure what it is in American pounds but I think about 40 kilos I need to lose.
Marc David
And when was the last time you were 40 kilos less?
Raelene
Probably, before I had my children or after I had my children I bounced back ok, but I’m now heavier than I was when I was pregnant with my children. So I definitely want to get back to that.
Marc David
So how long ago was was that?
Raelene
Only 15 years ago.
Marc David
How old are you now?
Raelene
I’m 46.
Marc David
So what do you tell yourself as you see this weight came on, and some comes, some goes. Why do you think the weight fluctuates? What do you tell yourself?
Raelene
It’s really odd. I’ll be great on a plan for three months. And I think, I’ve got this down pat now, this is great! This is how it’s going to be. And then just for no reason, or, you know, I might be out or I might not be able to stick to plan or whatever. And that’s it. It’s sort of you know, off I go and then the next day I think oh, I’ll start tomorrow, that old, I’ll start tomorrow, and then I think I’ll start the next day, or I haven’t got this or conditions aren’t right at the moment. And then I have this constant debate and constant thinking about food and eating in my head – and I exhaust myself with the thinking about it, too.
Marc David
Yes. So when was the first time that you noticed that, I want to lose weight?
Raelene
Oh, I was 11!
Marc David
And how did you get that idea in your mind? Did somebody tell you you needed to lose weight?
Raelene
Yeah. So I was a dancer. And I was conscious. I think I was about year five. So in about year five, I was 10 years old. In my primary school classroom, I knew I was the biggest girl because back then they used to weigh kids for their report card. So the teacher put the scales at the front of the room, every kid would line up, they’d jump on, and I still remember the reaction of the kids Oh how heavy she is! And I would go to dancing lessons and I was quite competitive. I was in the state and Australian championships and I remember my teacher she pulled up my top and grabbed my belly and sort of said in front of the class. “You’d definitely win if you’d get rid of this.”
Marc David
Wow, that’s intense!
Raelene
Yeah, you get over it, but you think, Geez, you know, I wish that didn’t happen – but it did.
Marc David
So you lose weight, it sounds like, and correct me if I’m wrong, when you put yourself on a plan?
Raelene
Yes
Marc David
And what might a plan look like? Like give me a typical plan.
Raelene
I have Hasimoto’s so my doctor said, you know, ditch the carbs, ditch the sugar. It’ll be good for your body. It’ll get your levels down, all of that sort of stuff. And I’m okay with that. I can do that. And I feel great after a week or so. So that’s probably what a plan looks like, the plan comes off when often I’m not organized or you run out of groceries or, you know, life gets busy and you need to get something, takeout for dinner or whatever that’s when it sort of goes pear shaped, Marc.
Marc David
So, when were you diagnosed with Hashimotos?
Raelene
I’ve had it for a few years? And I’m still going to try and get it right.
Marc David
So what are some of the symptoms for you?
Raelene
I just get really tired. I just have to keep an eye on my thyroid because there’s some nodules there and whatever. I just find fatigue, and I do get inflammation, I get sore. Exercise is hard!
Marc David
Do you tend to turn to food to just emotionally eat or if you’re bored? Or if you’re anxious?
Raelene
I don’t feel like I do. I tend to let myself go and I don’t organize myself well. And then I wait till I’m absolutely starving. And I think, what am I gonna eat. I sort of let things get to the point of no return and then I just get anything.
Marc David
Why do you think you do that?
Raelene
I don’t know. I put a lot of energy into organizing, making sure the house is clean, the washing is up to date, the kids are good, ready for work. I do a lot of study as well for myself and for my profession. You know, I probably preference those things over the other stuff. And I’m also well, I’m not anymore, but I was teaching cooking. And I was making food decisions for you know, 500 kids every week about what we’re going to cook and make and to be honest, Marc, by the end of it, you’ve just get either food decisions.
Marc David
Are you still teaching cooking?
Raelene
I’ve only got one class now so it’s not as bad.
Marc David
Yes, it’s sort of like food decision fatigue! I just don’t want to have to deal with this. I don’t want to think about it. Probably be nice if you could have a mother there just laying out all the meals and cooking them and making good food.
Raelene
Oh yeah! I could easily live in the boarding house and just let it all happen. There is no pleasure anymore. I used to enjoy cooking and I used to cook for pleasure. And I’m just over it too.
Marc David
So, if you were going to lose weight right now, if you said, Okay, I want to lose 20/30/40 kilos. What would you tell yourself? Here’s what we’re gonna do!
Raelene
Yeah, well, I’d probably do the whole three meals a day thing. Come off the carbs. Knock out the sugar, you know, that would be it? And that would probably work.
Marc David
Really, would it?
Raelene
Well, I think so. Yeah, it does work when I do it. Physiologically, it’s great. Because I’m not hungry. I feel good. My body feels good. So physiologically, when I’m doing that I feel good. Psychologically, I don’t know three months in, something happens and wheels fall off. And I can’t identify any bad feelings or emotions with it. It’s just – Urgh, I give up!
Marc David
Yes. So when you do lose weight, how do you feel? What do you tell yourself? Let’s say if you’re doing your good plan, and you’re doing it and you lose 10 or 20 kilos. What do you tell yourself when you weigh yourself, when you look in the mirror do you go oh, wow, this is really great. I’m loving this. I feel good!
Raelene
Yeah, I probably think oh, this is working. I’m getting there. That sort of thing, but I’ve never actually got there totally like, I don’t actually know what it feels like to feel free in terms of thinking. Alright, yes, now I can start buying some really nice clothes that will last me for a long time. I can think back to two winters ago when I was still thinking the same thing. I won’t buy really nice clothes this winter I’ll wait till I’ve lost a bit more weight.
Marc David
So there is a part of you that wants to lose the weight and part of you, it sounds like, that doesn’t want to have to do all this work.
Raelene
Yeah, I give up. I can’t be bothered! It’s terrible, I’m sorry.
Marc David
No! You know, it’s a certain amount of work especially when you have Hashimotos and especially when you know, okay, these are the foods that make me feel better. And these are the foods that help me move towards a weight that I prefer. And yeah, if there’s one little thing that happens, you don’t have the right foods, or maybe you end up eating some carbs or some sugar, then kind of things get thrown out the window. And you’re off the plan.
Raelene
Yep. And then it starts again. I’ll start tomorrow. That’s alright. May as well go for it now! Haha.
Marc David
You know, that’s a pretty, you know, weirdly enough, Raelene, that’s a common cycle that people go through. It’s the all or nothing eater in us. And the all or nothing eater in us means I’m either on my diet, I’m doing everything right. I’m making it all happen. I’m following the rules. I’m following the plan. So I’m either on it. Or! Go to the opposite. I’m off it! And usually the part of us that wants to go off it is the part of us that’s just I don’t want to do this. It’s too much! And it’s usually the part of us that’s more rebellious and/or the part of us that’s more like a kid. Like I don’t want to do this! Mommy, I don’t want to do this. this is too hard. Let’s have some fun! Or screw it, enough already. I just want to eat whatever I want. Don’t tell me what to eat.
Raelene
Yes!
Marc David
That’s what you identify with. So you have the rebel in you. There’s a part of you that shows up and says, Don’t tell me what to eat! I’m tired of this. I don’t want to do this anymore. I want to have fun. I want to rebel. Teenagers rebel. So it’s sort of like the adult in you, the 45 year old in you says, Okay, I want to stick to the plan. And it’s the 15 year old that pops in and says, nope. We’re doing whatever we want to do. So I think at the end of the day, to shift that, we have to get more in touch with that voice in us that wants to be the rebellious teenager. Because, on the one hand, it’s good to have a rebellious teenager in you. It’s fun. And the rebel in us is good. The rebel in us is the part of us that’s more out there that’s more outrageous, that’s willing to break the rules, that’s willing to break rules that don’t work that’s willing to stand up to injustice and silly things, or dumb things. So the rebel in us likes to have something to rebel against.
Raelene
That makes sense!
Marc David
Yeah, so the rebel is not bad. The problem is the rebel is rebelling against food rules for you. So it’s getting to know that part of you. Let me ask you this. How else does that rebel party you show up in your life? Or how has it shown up in your life? Like, how else are you a rebel or have you been rebellious?
Raelene
Oh, possibly in my profession. I’ve been in advocacy for the teaching profession, I’ve often stood up with an alternative idea on how things need to be for the betterment of students and that sort of thing. So not in a bad way, like not in a aggressive way or anything like that. But I’ve represented on committees and that sort of thing where I’ve had to be the voice of advocacy for teachers and teaching. There’s things like that. I can use it for a good way as well.
Marc David
Yes! I just want to mention to you like just me talking to you and me observing you, when you were talking about the rebel part of you relative to your profession. You were just like, really on it. And just like more clear, and more serious, not in a bad way, but just like this is how my rebel shows up. When you were talking about your rebellious nature around food, you just had a big smile on your face the whole time. And there’s a part of us that loves breaking the rules, especially when it’s a food rule. Because in a lot of ways, food rules were the first rules that we could break as a young person. And it’s a way to control the older people around us, because essentially, the older people around you are the people who are telling you, you need to lose this weight, you need to look different. And everybody figures out, Well, in order for me to lose the weight, I have to eat less food, I have to eat specific foods. And yeah, there’s a part of us that wants to do what the big people tell us to do, but there’s another part of us that just wants to rebel, like, leave me alone!
Raelene
Do you know Marc, when you say that, I can think back to two distinct experiences I’ve had. I remember marching into a Weight Watchers office and your parent has to sign because you’re underage. And I remember sitting in that meeting, thinking, what’s all this about? And then I remember, I think my parent, my mom got me, you know, like light n easy delivered and I remember it was Sunday night, which was my favorite night having a baked dinner, I had to have my light and easy meal. But mum would let me have a baked in a meal instead. It was like, Yeah, I remember feeling like everyone else gets to eat that and I have to eat this!
Marc David
Yes. So of course the rebel in you wants to say Screw this. I’m gonna eat whatever I want to eat. Like, don’t tell me what to do. Because you’re being controlled, you’re being separated, you’re being ostracized. And you’re being told that you have to eat this food over here, which isn’t as fun. We’re going to be the ones having all the fun over here. And you’re the one that has to get all serious and you’re the one that’s got the problem.
Raelene
If you don’t do this, you won’t win!
Marc David
Yes! So I just want to say it is perfectly reasonable for a young mind to rebel against that. Because the underlying message is, we want you to be different. You are not okay. You are not lovable. Your body is unacceptable. And yeah, you’ll be a winner if you lose this weight but guess what, you’re a loser if you don’t lose the weight. Yes, those are very difficult messages for a young mind to take in. So it makes sense to me that at this point in your life, the rebel in you pops up. It’s the rebel that wishes she could have screamed in the Weight Watchers office “This is nonsense!” It’s the rebel in you who probably wishes she could have screamed and said you know, I don’t want to eat this diet, I don’t want to eat this food! I want to eat what everybody else eats!
Raelene
Awww, you’ve hit a nerve!
Marc David
And that’s the old boo-boo, that’s an old hurt because if you know the teaching universe, you understand young people. Young people are sensitive. Young people are impressionable and vulnerable. And we as young people are particularly vulnerable around our appearance, for goodness sake. We want to feel like we’re okay. We want to feel like we’re lovable. I want to feel like I’m attractive, especially to my parents, and my family who are the people that are supposed to love me.
Raelene
Yes. Wow, Marc! Yes.
Marc David
So it’s almost like the message that you got is you cannot be lovable unless you follow this diet and lose this weight. Now, here you are as an adult, and you’re saying to yourself, you know, I’m gonna have a better experience. If I lose weight. I’m gonna be happier. I’m gonna like myself more if I lose weight. But then that gets clouded by the old days. I just want to rebel against that!
So this is good, because we just landed right where the action is for you and this is what happens to us as human beings. You know, oftentimes when there’s an insult or a hurt at a young age, particularly around our body, we carry that hurt into the future because we didn’t know how to figure it out, we didn’t know how to resolve it. So there’s this part of you that still believes I’m not lovable and acceptable until I lose weight. But a part of you also rebels against that because a part of you knows that wait a second, that’s not true. The people that love you, love you! Your kids love you. They’re probably not saying mummy, I’m gonna love you more if you’ve lost 20 kilos. They don’t care! How does your husband feel about your weight?
Raelene
Yes! You get it! Yes.
Oh, he loves me. Not a problem. He fed me up and got me fat! Haha.
Marc David
So the people that love you, love you! That’s very clear.
Raelene
Yes!
Marc David
So, right now, part of it is we got to get you caught up with the rest of the people that love you and start finding a way for you to love you, regardless of what you weigh. As in, so here’s the thing. You can have a preference. It is fine. You’re an adult, you’re your own woman. You can have a preference. I like to wear certain colors. I like to wear cotton. I like to drive a certain car. I like to watch certain TV shows. Those are your preferences. I want to weigh a certain amount. That’s a preference. So that’s all fine. You are allowed your preference. However, when we make our preference dependent on if I don’t get that preference, therefore I don’t love myself. Therefore I’m not good enough, then that becomes problematic. Meaning, if you prefer to wear mostly lavender and black. And all of a sudden there’s no more lavender and black clothes available to buy. You’re not going to say to yourself, oh, I can’t love myself anymore. You’re gonna just go Oh, bummer. I can’t have my preference.
Raelene
Yes, I get it. Yeah!
Marc David
So you could wish to lose weight, you could prefer to have a different size body. Nothing wrong with that. But let’s not make your self love dependent on you getting that preference.
So what I’m saying is you can go about the business of losing weight, if you want to but we’re looking to decouple that from “if I don’t do this, therefore I’m not lovable.”
Raelene
Yes!
Marc David
Because the truth is the most important people in your life. Love you for who you are. That’s a fact. That’s amazing that you have that, not everybody has that. The most important people in your life love you for who you are. And they’re not trying to change you so they can love you more.
Raelene
Yeah, that’s right!
Marc David
You wouldn’t tell your kids you know, I’m gonna love you more if you had less body fat and more muscle
Raelene
Gosh, no!
Marc David
You wouldn’t think about it. You wouldn’t put that on them.
Raelene
Never!
Marc David
So let’s not put that on you. You see the change there? So it’s you learning to be your own guardian, your own good parent, your own good mother and loving on yourself even though you don’t have the weight you prefer, right now? I don’t have the weight I prefer right now and you know something, that’s okay.
Raelene
Yeah, I’ve never thought about it like that. That’s great!
Marc David
Still love myself, still okay and still. I just might choose to go about the business of losing weight but my self love is not dependent on it and other people loving me is not dependent on it because other people have proven, the most important people, my kids, my partner have proven to me they love me for exactly who I am.
Raelene
Yeah..
Marc David
So part of it is, I would like to suggest at least for a few weeks, maybe even longer, but at least for a few weeks, stop thinking about losing weight and bask in the goodness that you are loved just as you look, and just as you are and just as you weigh right now. You’re actually loved by other people.
Raelene
Yeah, you know, I think in some ways that’s why I don’t like cooking anymore because cooking just got like oh no, I can’t cook that recipe that’s got carbs, or no I can’t do that because of this and it all just got too hard. That’s why I just don’t enjoy it anymore.
Marc David
Because you were told at a young age, you were given the message that food and self love are tied together. If you control your food, you are lovable. If you don’t control your food, you’re not lovable. That’s what you were told so that’s what you believed. Because we believe what we’re told when we’re young, especially when it comes to our loveability. So now you’re learning that oh, those were not healthy messages. Parents did the best they could, teachers, whoever people, you know, do the best they can. They think they’re helping you.
Raelene
Yeah, they absolutely did that was without a doubt! They thought they were helping.
Marc David
So now you get to turn that around and take a few weeks and just bask in, bathe in joy and love for who I am. Nobody cares that these are the clothes I wear. You care, that’s fine. But nobody else cares. Nobody else is wanting me to change. They love me. So really what I’m looking for you is to start to feel the love that’s actually there for you. To help you start to feel it for yourself.
Raelene
Yeah, right. Thank you, Marc! That’s really yeah, I’ve not thought of that, thank you.
Marc David
I think it’s so important, you know, you’re just getting caught up now to your past and every time you go off of your “plan” there’s actually a good reason in there. There’s a brilliant reason. The brilliant reason why you’re going off that plan is because there’s a part of you that knows that this plan is actually not getting me anywhere. I lose weight, I gain it back, I lose it, I gain it back. Because the planning and the eating is being driven by if I don’t do this right then I’m not gonna be lovable. If I don’t lose weight I’m not gonna be lovable. That’s a lot of pressure to put on food and eating! Oh my god, if I eat these carbs I’m bad! I’m not lovable. If I eat this sugar I’m not lovable. And you eat the sugar and you go, Oh, I’m not lovable. Ah screw it who cares? I’m just going to keep eating. Because this is just too hard. Because it is hard! Because it’s unnatural to put that much pressure on food to make us lovable. It’s not the job of food to make us lovable!
Raelene
That’s right, you’re absolutely right! Yep.
Marc David
It’s the job of food to nourish you and give you good nutrition and make you feel good and hopefully give you your best health and your best energy. And yeah, it takes our participation for sure but putting all that pressure on food makes you want to rebel and rebelling against it is a good thing because the whole system is unnatural. Forcing yourself to follow a diet so you can finally be lovable. Now that’s why I say let’s just spend a couple of weeks ideally it’d be a couple of months just getting to know you, getting to know Raelene without the need to change anything
Raelene
I don’t think I’ve had that ever!
Marc David
So it’s always been this little radio station playing in your mind and this is for a lot of people, not just you, I need to change my body, I need to change my body, I need to change my body and that’s a hard radio station to be listening to all day for all of our lives. Because basically, it’s saying, I’m not okay, I’m not lovable, I’m not good enough, I need to be different. And so that’s why when you say I don’t have freedom with food and I get confused, and I think about it it’s because it’s an impossible system that you’ve been given. The impossible system is called “you need to control your food in a certain way so you can be lovable.” No, you don’t. You don’t need to do anything with food to be lovable. You don’t need to do anything. You just need to be you. And it turns out, there’s people that love you. So life has proven to you that you are lovable.
Raelene
Yeah, thank you!
Marc David
Yes, life has proven it 100%! So it’s up to you to start catching up with that and the one way to catch up is to say “Okay, let’s just take a vacation from having to change myself.” Just a vacation, you can pick it up again, you can pick up your preference but I want you to pick up your preference to lose weight, if you still have that preference, a month from now, or two months from now, or three months from now, pick it up when your life doesn’t depend on it and your love ability doesn’t depend on it when it’s just like, hey, you know, some thing? I want to have more turquoise clothing. You know? Let’s go get some! You know, something, I want to lose a few kilos, let me start to tweak my diet. And you’re doing it from a place of empowerment and a place of owning your preference. If that’s indeed your preference, I don’t even know if that’s your preference?
Raelene
I don’t know either!
Marc David
Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t, we don’t know, but you first have to experience you without the need to change you physically.
Raelene
That’s magnificent. Marc. You just nailed that, thank you. I didn’t even think of that. Oh, my gosh.
Marc David
That’s so good, because it allows you to just start to be you. And you know, we often have this inner committee that we’re trying to please. There’s this invisible committee living in our head that we’re trying to be a good boy or a good girl for that committee so they approve of us.
Raelene
Yes! I guess that leads to a lot of areas of my life, like, professionally, were always going for more, going for better it’s always that striving.
Marc David
Yes. And, you know, striving is good when it’s good. And, there’s also a time to just be you particularly as it relates to, here’s me, here’s my body. This doesn’t have to change for me to be lovable. Period. I’m already loved. You’re there. You know, I speak to so many people over the years, so many women who don’t have a relationship in their life or might not have kids or might not have love in their life and they really want that more than anything and then they think “well, if I can only lose weight, then I can have that love in my life. Because then somebody will love me, because I lost weight!” A lot of people think that.
You have a version of that. You already have love in your life. But you’re trying to please the committee in your head and you’re trying to please you.
Raelene
Yup!
Marc David
And all you need to do is just relax those requirements and just say timeout just, we’re taking a time out. And then start to learn about who you are as an eater. Because if you’re not going to be eating to lose weight and you’re not eating to be on a plan you’re eating because you’re a human being who needs to eat. So then you can start to notice what’s important to you naturally in your relationship with food. Maybe it’s like, right now, I just want foods that are more convenient because I’ve been doing so much cooking. That’s fair! I just want to make things that I can make fast. That’s totally fair. I just want to cook one special meal a week. That’s fair. But just see what shows up. You know, something, I feel better when I don’t eat carbs and sugar. But you know, I really want to eat some carbs and sugar. Huh! How can I do that? Is that possible? I don’t know. But it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Maybe there’s a middle ground in there.
Raelene
I think I’m gonna have to work really hard on that middle ground.
Marc David
But the way you set yourself up for success with that work is to take weight loss off the table for now. Yep. And just get to know who is Raelene as an eater.
Raelene
That makes a lot of sense to me, because I have no idea who I am as an eater. I don’t. I’m so out of tune with my appetite, my tastebuds. I can’t even be bothered getting groceries in the house most the time.
Marc David
Yes, because you’re exhausted from the inner conversation that has wrapped up food with your self worth. That’s a terrible exhausting conversation because it’s illogical, it’s nonsensical and it hurts. It’s a conversation that hurts us.
It’s painful. So if we eliminate that conversation, just like okay, you know, food is not about weight loss. Food is about eating because I’m a human being. I’m like every other creature on planet Earth. We need some kind of food.
Raelene
See, I always just wished my hunger would go away. That’s crazy. I know but why am I hungry again?
Marc David
Yeah, so now let’s start welcoming hunger. Great, because hungry means you’re alive. You ain’t dying.
Raelene
For me, it was always a character flaw!
Marc David
Okay, I’m glad you said that. Thanks for acknowledging that thought, that toxic belief was you inherited from the world. You didn’t invent that. The world gave you that? Like, oh, you need to lose weight. But why do you have extra weight? Well, because you eat and why do you eat well, because you have an appetite and you’re hungry and you need food. So therefore hunger is a character flaw. That’s the logical conclusion that any young person would make given all that input. Hmm. I’m not lovable. I’m not okay. I’d be a winner if I lost this weight. How does this weight come on there? I eat food. Why do I eat food? Because I’m hungry. Ah, hunger bad!
Raelene
Yeah. Surely you’re not hungry again?
Marc David
So every time you get hungry, you think, Oh, here’s that character flaw showing up again.
Raelene
I do!
Marc David
So this time, consider consider every time you’re hungry, saying thank you, Lord because I’m still alive. Dead people don’t eat as far as we can tell. You want to be around for your family. Maybe you want to be around to see your grandkids so you want to be an eater. You want to have an appetite. You want to keep surviving. You want to keep thriving and in a strange way this is you giving yourself permission to join everybody else. You don’t have to be isolated anymore. Because you were isolated when you were young around food. Join the rest of us. We all eat. We all get hungry. What’s for dinner?
Raelene
That’s really good. Thank you, Marc. That’s great. I like that idea of joining everybody else.
Marc David
Yeah! You’re part of the club. And getting to know yourself as an eater part of that is scary because like you said, you’ve never been able to do that before because eating has always been defined for you because of how you were raised, how you were programmed how you were conditioned, eating was defined for you as kind of a crime. It’s a little bit of a crime.
And so we’re going to punish you by making you eat in a very specific way. That’s not so fun. That isolates you here you will be in food prison over here the prisoners eat this. The free people eat that.
Raelene
Yeah. I had Jenny Craig in my lunchbox in year six, it was embarrassing! I still remember being embarrassed about the packet saying Jenny Craig in my lunchbox. And hiding what I was eating.
Marc David
So that’s why you rebel against meal plans. Because the rebel in you, which is a good part of you says this is nonsense. I can’t do this. The rebel in you is not smart enough to say and here’s why I’m rebelling it just knows to rebel. It just knows this is no good. You think “Oh my god, I don’t have enough willpower, I just can’t control myself, I just broke my plan that means there is a problem.” No, it means actually you’re smart because you’re rebelling against something that actually doesn’t work and is a bunch of nonsense. All that time that you thought you were being weak there’s a part of you that was just screaming No! We need to say no to this. This is not good for me. So you were right.
Raelene
That’s spot on. That’s amazing!
Marc David
So you were truly right so every time you’ve rebelled it’s not been a sign of weakness. It’s a voice in you that was just raising her hand and going no, no. But that voice hasn’t been aware enough and awake enough to understand exactly what it’s rebelling against. Now, you know.
Raelene
That’s it! Yes. Because that’s the thing I say, “Oh Gosh, I’m smart in this area, I can do that. Why can I get this? Why can’t I just fix this?” Yeah, that’s just amazing. Thank you so much.
Marc David
And you know, so connected to all of this is really getting for yourself that you don’t need to apologize for your body. You know, you don’t need to apologize for it to the committee in your mind. You don’t need to apologize for what you eat. Nobody in your world is asking for an apology from you, for how much you weigh or what you eat. Nobody wants that from you. So this is your time in life to just learn who you are as an eater. And it’s all going to be fresh and it’s all going to be new.
Raelene
That’s really cool, Marc!
Marc David
To spend some time just you, enjoying your body and not having to change it enjoying not having to change it and just hanging out there for a while. And when you’re ready, if you prefer to lose weight, then you’ll be a different person when it comes to following a plan, because you’re not going to need to rebel against it. Because you’re not going to be looking to lose weight, so you can be more lovable, you’d be looking to lose weight because that’s your preference. Yeah, I like cold weather. I like certain music. That’s your preference. So you want to enjoy your preference. As opposed to if I don’t get this, I’m going to die. If I don’t lose this weight, I’m not gonna be lovable. Then that makes us crazy.
Raelene
Yep! Wonderful. That’s amazing. Oh, my gosh. I wished I knew you years ago. That’s okay. I know now.
Marc David
The good news is it’s never too late to change. You know?
Raelene
That’s amazing. Thank you so much.
Marc David
You’re so welcome! I don’t know how much you share with your husband but it might be interesting to just kind of share what you learned here just to feel you’re getting support. I think it’s gonna be a really good journey for you from here on in.
Raelene
Yeah, I certainly feel like it will be Marc. You’ve blown my mind and there’s things in there that I would never have picked up if I hadn’t had you. So thank you so much. That’s amazing. You’re incredible.
Marc David
Well, I’m so glad we got to do this together, we are in a conversation that matters. And you know, you really opened up and shared about your journey and your story and it just always amazes me how our relationship with like food and body can be so powerful, and can be something that holds us back in certain ways and once we turn it around, our relationship with food and body can help us start to be our best self. You know, once we kind of learn the lessons it’s trying to teach us. So you’re just learning how to own your body and how to let go of old voices and old conditioning and love what you got and see the proof that your body is lovable, and that you’re lovable. Because the proof lives in your life. It’s there!
Raelene
Yeah. Wonderful.
Marc David
Raelene, great work!
Raelene
No, thank YOU! I’m so grateful. That’s amazing. I’m going to have a great day today, I’m going to work and I’m just going to be amazed.
Marc David
I’m so glad. Thanks for taking the time with us.
Raelene
Thank you Marc, you’re life changing. I appreciate it.
Marc David
Appreciate you too. Take care everybody.
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