The Magic Weight Loss Number: Taking Our Power Back – In Session with Marc David

The Magic Weight Loss Number: Taking Our Power Back – In Session with Marc David

Marc David 

Welcome, everybody. I’m Marc David, founder of the Institute for the Psychology of Eating. We are in the Psychology of Eating Podcast and I’m with Reni today, welcome Reni.

Reni 

Hi, Marc, how are you going?

Marc David 

Good, good. I’m glad we’re here. I’m glad we’re doing this. And for anybody out there who’s listening who’s new to this podcast, Reni and I are having a session for the first time. And the idea is to help you move forward with any challenge you’re experiencing around food and body. So Reni if you could wave your magic wand and if you can get whatever you wanted around food around body, what would that be for you?

Reni 

Um, I guess it would be… Overall, I don’t really want food to control my life as much as it does. I think about it sort of almost in an obsessive way. Once I’ve had my one meal, I’m sort of planning the next already thinking about what I should have. And I’m very aware of what I should be having and what I shouldn’t be having, but I don’t always manage to succeed in eating the way I should be. And I guess I also want to, be healthy overall. I’ve got Fibromyalgia as well. So I want to be able to eat the right things to be able to manage that better. Yeah, just overall, I would like to have more energy, I’d like to have more self confidence, lose some weight, obviously, and just to be able to wear whatever I want to wear and do whatever I want to do without feeling conscious about it and conscious about my body, just have more confidence.

Marc David 

How long would you say that you’ve had the wish to lose weight so you can feel good about yourself, wear what you want and feel more confident in your body?

Far too long Marc, my whole life I’ve struggled with my weight. I went through a phase where I did lose some weight, but I needed appetite suppressants to help me get there. But yeah, I would say since my early, well, since my teens already, so a long time.

Marc David 

How old are you now?

Reni 

I’m 52.

Marc David 

Okay, and how much weight are you interested in losing?

Reni 

Um, probably, I would like to weigh probably, because I’m getting older, I don’t want to get to thin, but probably between, say about 65-70. And I weigh 87 at the moment.

Marc David 

So you would lose about 20 kilos, and that would make you happy.

Reni 

I think I’d feel more confident and more agile, yeah, I’m hoping it’ll make me happy.

Marc David 

So over the years, even when you took appetite suppressants and you said that helped you lose weight. Did you get to your target weight at that point?

Reni 

Um, I wanted to be 55 at the time, and the lowest I got was 56. And that was really like starving myself and being silly. So I probably never really got there. I kind of probably maintained a weight of about 60 for a good few years. And then we emigrated to Australia, and everything fell apart then. The weight just went right on.

Marc David 

Okay, so when you were at 60 kilos for a couple of years, what was that like for you?

Reni 

It was amazing. I felt great. I felt confident. I felt like I could move around a lot easier. I was really happy.

Marc David 

And so when you moved to Australia, things changed, and so what would you attribute the weight gain to? Were you off of the drug that you were taking? Or?

Reni 

Um, yes, I wasn’t on on the appetite suppressants anymore. I think there was also just really, the whole lifestyle change. Fast foods were a lot more readily available here than in South Africa. And the food was cheaper and yeah, I don’t know. I think maybe just trying to fit it in and probably also not having the the assistance of having the appetite suppressants.

Marc David 

Sure. So are you married?

Reni 

No, I’m single, divorced.

Marc David 

When did you get divorced?

Reni 

My daughter was two years old. I got divorced in 2004.

Marc David 

Got it. Okay. So then your daughter is now…

Reni 

she’ll be 21 in March.

Marc David 

Congratulations.

Reni 

Thank you.

Marc David 

So Are you interested in being in another relationship?

Reni 

I would like to eventually, yes.

Marc David 

And are you dating these days?

Reni 

Nope.

Marc David 

Any reason?

Reni 

I think I’m focusing a little bit on my career at the moment, I’m not happy where I’m working. So I’m trying everything at this stage to find other means of income. I’m doing other sorts of studies and trying to work in that area. And I think, because I’ve been single for such a long time, I’ve been in relationships on and off, but I’ve never had anyone really living with me or anything. And I think because I’ve been single for so long, you become set in your ways, and your standards become almost impossible, I suppose. And you you get you become very picky. And you know what you want. And I haven’t shared my space with someone for a long time. So I don’t know how that would actually be. But my daughter’s getting older now. So obviously, I would like to meet someone, maybe next year, you know, I think I also want to lose the weight first as well. I know I shouldn’t put my life on hold, but I guess that’s something that we all do.

Marc David 

Yes, yes.  Yes, I was wondering, that was sort of, you jumped ahead of me. Because I was just wondering in the back of my mind, because sometimes people do that. We wait to hit a certain weight before we can date or find a potential significant other. So…

Reni 

yeah, well, when I was in my early 20s, that’s when I lost my weight. And before that, I had never had a serious boyfriend. And then I lost 18 kilos. Initially with those appetite suppressants and I found a boyfriend and then all of a sudden, I was appealing to guys. So yeah, they kind of reinforced what I was thinking and feeling. I know guys are a lot more visual, even though with our age, that shouldn’t matter as much. But um, yeah, I think once I start to feel a little bit more happy with my own body, I’ll also exude a certain confidence that’ll make me more attractive as well.

Marc David 

So has there been a time in life when you weren’t on a diet, since your 20s?

Reni 

To be honest, probably not. I’ve always been conscious in some way, shape, or form. I did the keto diet for 18 months, and I was successful. I felt amazing with that. But then I had my gallbladder removed, and the my body didn’t stomach it very well. Like as soon as I’d eat something within half an hour, I’d have to go to the loo. And yeah, it just didn’t agree with my body anymore, so I kind of stopped doing that. Yeah. I’m always probably very aware and very conscious of what I’m eating and how I eat and all that kind of thing.

Marc David 

So why do you think weight doesn’t come off easily from your body?

Reni 

I think I stress too much. Yes, I worry a lot. I’m an overthinker. Like I say, I’m not happy in my work, it’s a very toxic environment. I also, at the moment, I’ve been pretty good with the way I’ve been eating and I’ve been seeing a little bit of success. But overall, I’m very much, I think I’m an emotional eater. And also, like on a Friday night, my daughter and I would have a girls night. So that would be like takeout, DVDs, chocolate, chips. It was like I couldn’t have a Friday night without doing that. So it was like a psychological thing. I think overall, I do eat quite healthy. But when I fall off the wagon I suppose I’m a little bit of a binge eater, and I just eat the wrong things then. But overall, I think I know, like I’m pretty good.

Marc David 

So do you think that you would lose weight if you didn’t quote unquote, eat too much? Or?

Reni 

Um, yes, sometimes my portions probably are a little bit big. But like just probably the last few months actually, I’ve been… I had a goal… I had my Christmas party a few weekends ago, so I wanted to try and lose some weight for that. So I worked on it for about two, three months, and I kind of got myself into a fairly good eating pattern. But before that, it was definitely yeah, my portions would be too big and then I would have sort of the wrong foods. Like we’d have takeout at least twice a month, maybe three, maybe once a week even. And I’d eat like cookies, biscuits, chocolate, chips. So yeah, I think I was just eating the wrong things.

Marc David 

So these days when you emotionally eat what does that what does that mean for you? How does that look?

Reni 

Um, I… Yeah, probably junk food really. Yeah, I would probably indulge in a burger from McDonald’s or whatever with chips and a frappe, or cookies and chocolates and chips. Those aren’t those are my go-tos when I’m feeling bad.

Marc David 

And how many times a week would you say that happens? Or how many…

Reni 

Well, for a while now, I haven’t. But I would say we were probably doing that one… well the Friday night thing, probably once a week. And then biscuits. Yeah, like, maybe two or three times a week.

Marc David 

Now when you say biscuits, just a biscuit?

Reni 

Cookies. Oh, yeah. Well, I used to go through a phase where I could eat a whole packet in a setting. I don’t do that anymore. But yeah, it doesn’t, it very rarely stays at one, let’s put it that way. But but it’s not a whole packet anymore.

Marc David 

So what do you think would help you lose weight?

Reni 

Um. I think I need to keep myself busier. I’m a bit of a hermit. I kind of work, come home, eat, sleep, work, come home, eat, sleep. I don’t have very much of a social life. I like my own company. Even though I do enjoy socializing every now and then I don’t have a huge group of friends. Yeah, I don’t know, I think I probably I need to get out there a bit more, I think and then I would take my mind off food if I preoccupied it with other things. Because I’ve noticed when I’m busy with stuff, I don’t think about food.

Marc David 

And okay, I think I have some thoughts that I want to share. So if you lose 20 kilos approximately, going to feel lighter, going to feel more confident, and going to be able to wear the clothes that you want to wear. And even though there’s kind of the part of you, that’s a little bit of a loner anyway. So are you imagining that when you lose weight, you’re going to be less of a introvert, less of a loner?

Reni 

To be honest, I probably will stay true to myself. I get affected by people’s energies quite a lot, so I don’t like to be around a lot of people very often unless I resonate with them. Yeah, I don’t know. I don’t. To be honest, probably not. Because I don’t really have the means, or not the means, but I wouldn’t really know what I would do then. How I would make my life different.

Marc David 

So do you ever think of how long you want to live?

Reni 

Yeah, I have been thinking about that quite a bit. That was the ladies in our family, the longevity is around early, at least late 80s, early 90s. So yeah, I’d like to live till at least then I hope if I’m healthy. And I have the finances.

Marc David 

So early 90s. So that gives you another 40 years. That’s not a small amount of time. What do you imagine, would make those 40 years worth living?

Reni 

Well, I have a lot of goals and plans in my mind, Marc. Like, I have all these ideas in my head that I want to do. And they very much lean towards the spiritual side of things that I want to do. But I feel like I don’t have what it takes to do what I actually love. I would love to do Birth Chart readings, tarot card readings. I’d love to do mindful eating coach sessions. But I’ve always felt like I don’t think I would know, I would be fine with the first few sessions but then afterwards, trying to help people to overcome whatever their challenges are, I feel like I don’t know if I’d be able to do that. And yeah, I want to get out of the field of what I’m working in, now. I’m bored, and I want to start doing stuff that fulfills me more. I love animals. I want to work with animals.

Marc David 

Okay. I’m glad you shared that. So, here’s, I’m going to share with you how I think about these things and how I’m thinking about you, and what you’ve told me about your story, and what you’ve told me about your journey.  Since you know, being a teen, you’ve been aware that – I want my body to be different. And I want my body to be different, why? Because it’s gonna make me happy. Yeah, I’ll feel lighter, but feeling lighter makes me happier. I’m going to feel confident, for sure. And feeling more confident makes me happier. And I’m going to feel more attractive. Why? Well, that makes me happier, and then also seems to help get the attention of the opposite sex. So… and that makes me happy. If you get into a relationship that feels good to you, then that’s going to make you happier. So always the theme is, for us humans, particularly when it comes to weight, and when it comes to our body is, I want to eat better, look different, weigh less, have more energy, because that’s going to help me be happier. That’s going to help give me a better experience of life. Not only a better experience of life, but I’m going to then sort of be more me, like the me I imagine. As opposed to the me I am right now, which is not my ideal me.  Okay, so that’s all fair. I’m with you. Because of the length of time that a lot of us spend in this conundrum. This hasn’t been a year long conundrum for you, or a two year long conundrum. It’s been kind of a lifetime conundrum. It’s been, you know, a good 80% of your life. So that’s a lot of life, where you’re really not in the place called, ‘okay, I’m sort of satisfied with the track that I’m on here now. Might not be perfect.’ There’s something you said that really caught my attention more than anything else. You said you were trying to get down to, I think you said 55 kilos, and you only made it to 56. That extra kilo meant something to you didn’t it?

Reni 

Yeah, um, because I had a goal and I didn’t achieve it. And I’ve got OCD.

Marc David 

Yes. So I want to point that out. Because, theoretically, and you know this, you’re a smart lady. Once you get down to 55 kilos, I mean 56. 55 makes no difference, it’s one kilo. That’s a meal in your body. That’s, you know, did I have a bowel movement today? That’s, you know, am I retaining a little bit of water today, that’s nothing. And depending on the scale that you have. Scales have a margin of error. So if the temperature is higher or lower, that scale might be different, you might actually be at 55 kilos, if you weighed yourself on a high grade professional scale. But my point is that we as human beings can get very religious, in a strange way, when it comes to our number. We give a lot of power to the number. And there’s a part of you that wasn’t fully satisfied at 56, because you wanted to get to 55.

Now, you can call that OCD. Really, there’s, there’s a better way to describe that. And I think what we can call it is setting up an impossible standard by which we are saying, this is what’s going to make me happy, and then believing that that’s what’s going to make me happy. Even though we’re putting a tremendous amount of value into that one kilo, it doesn’t have that much power, it doesn’t have the deciding power to make you or I truly happy and to make us a different person. So if we can do that with one kilo, we could do it for five, if we can do it with five, we can go do it with 10, et cetera, et cetera.

There are probably a lot of people that you’ve come across in your life, who look how you look or weigh what you weigh. And they’re totally happy. They love their body, they feel good, they feel light, they feel sexy. I meet such women, see such people, all the time. So I know it’s possible. So there’s a place where it’s very subjective.  So when I hear that back to the amount of time that we can be in – I’m not happy with my body, I want to be different, so then I could be the real me, and I can be happy, and I can feel better about myself – to me, there’s a point at which we have to have a reckoning. There’s a point at which we have to think in a different way. Because the way we’ve been thinking hasn’t gotten us to where we want to go. If the way or ways that you’ve been thinking would have been useful to you, they would have gotten you to where you wanted to go in a sustainable way. But they haven’t.

So to me, because you’re over 50 now. And because I heard you say that, you know, one of your dreams is to, essentially be a counselor, do readings for people, do coaching for people. And one of your concerns about that is, you know, I don’t know if I can do that passed the first session. What I hear when you say that is, I don’t know if, if I’m wise enough right now. So I would love to see you step into your wisdom stage more. Wisdom stage gets born in us, especially once we hit 50, that’s what I’ve noticed. Once we hit 50, the little wisdom gene in us becomes a lot more active, the wisdom DNA in us starts to brighten up a little bit if we’ve been paying attention to our life. And to me that wish that you have is, yeah, it’s a wish for how you want to show up in the world. It’s also a wish for who you want to be. You want to be that wise person who can guide and counsel others, which I greatly respect.  And so in order to do that, I think there’s just a little bit of work, not a lot. Not a lot, just a little, that’s wanting to happen for you. And I think part of that work is to make who you want to be the focus of your energy. Not how much you want to weigh.

You have put a tremendous amount of energy into food and body. Now you can say, well, I don’t want to think about those things. In a way, I think the reason why we would think about food and body all the time, is because it’s a way to order our world. It’s a way to structure our world. It’s familiar to us. My relationship with food is very familiar to me, yours is to you. We have certain patterns. And yeah, it’s I know, I’m going to eat, you know, three, four or five times a day. And yeah, it’s kind of fun to plan meals, nothing wrong with that. It’s fun to think about what you’re going to do. It’s fun to go shopping, all that sort of thing. So when we’re not going towards all the other things that we want in life, food can grow in its importance. Because we know it really well. It’s predictable. Yeah, it’s not always easy. I think about it too much. Part of the reason we think about it too much is because there’s other places that are calling for our attention, that are not getting our attention. So our thought and our energy has to go somewhere our emotional energy has to go somewhere. So if your emotional energy is going into, well, I’m gonna love myself more if I lose weight and eat the right foods, then that’s where your emotional energy is going to. If your thoughts are going there, then that’s where it’s going to. Because it’s a familiar place. And it’s a way that we think my world is going to get better if I just structure this better, then the rest of my world is going to somehow magically come together. No, the rest of your life is going to magically come together when you start to give it the attention it deserves. So a relationship is going to show up when you give it attention. Anyway, yeah, go ahead. Go.

Reni 

Sorry. I was just gonna say I think a huge thing in my life is I’ve kind of gotten mother issues and my whole life, I’ve always felt like I’m not good enough for her. I’ve always had to prove myself to her. So everything that I do, even though I’m aware of it, I tend to not do it for me, I do it for her approval. Whether it’s achieving weight loss, it’s just like, achieving anything is kind of like something for me to prove to my mom that I’m worthy, that I’m good enough, that I can do this. And it boils down to everything in my life. So whether it’s me wanting to do the counseling, I feel like I’m not good enough, because I’ve never been good enough in her eyes. There’s always been something lacking. So I guess food is something that I can control and eating is something I can control. But yeah, I don’t know, I think I’ve just got major issues in that area where over overall, I’ve always felt like I’m not good enough, and I’ve always had to prove myself to her.

Marc David 

Is she still alive?

Reni 

Yep.

Marc David 

Are you close? Do you speak? Do you see her?

Reni 

We had a huge falling out last year, because for the first time in my life, I stood up to her and I told her where I was hurt and how I felt like she wasn’t there for me when I needed her to be. And it resulted in us not talking to each other for a good few months. We kind of are talking to each other again, but I don’t feel close to her. I don’t really want her to know anything about my life, because she always criticizes it, she always is negative about it. Whenever I have a conversation with her, I feel drained, I don’t feel uplifted or powered, so I try to avoid speaking to her. And I don’t share much with her.

Marc David 

So let’s reframe this a little bit, instead of saying I’ve got major mother issues, because that sounds insurmountable. I want to say that you have an awareness that, there’s this part of you that’s been conditioned to want your mother’s approval. By the way, any young child wants the approval of their parents. That’s natural for us, when we’re young, we want approval from the big people. And some parents, because of how they are, and how they’ve been raised, and how they’ve been brought up, they demand that we be a certain way, they want us to be a certain way. And maybe they never give us their approval, they never let us know, you’re okay how you are. So that happens. And your mother might very well be one of those people. If she is one of those people who hasn’t really given you the message, I love you just the way you are honey, chances are she didn’t get that. Chances are that’s how she was raised, so she’s just passing along what she got. So all I’m saying is you don’t have major mother issues, you have an awareness of how you’ve been conditioned what you’ve been believing. And here you are, you’re starting to shift that.

So you’re starting to create a few boundaries, you spoke up, you got mad, you let a few things out. And you’re still finding your way with that. And in that relationship, but ultimately, here’s what I want to suggest. Ultimately, I want to suggest that your goal be to get to the place where you realize, yes, I am technically my mother’s biological daughter. So there’s a way where she will always be my mother. But you are a woman now, and you don’t live in your mother’s house. So you’re you’re the boss of you, you’re your own mother, you’re your own parent. And you don’t need to get food out of your diet. You don’t need to eat less. If you want to get something out of your diet, it’s letting go of what gets put into the mental diet, which is this food, this belief called I gotta to satisfy my mother, I need to have my mother’s approval. So that’s a thought. Will, my mother approve of me if I do this? Will she approve of me if I do that? No, she wouldn’t. So that’s an internal conversation you’re having with yourself. Your mother’s not saying anything, especially if she doesn’t know what’s going on. So that’s all living in your head.

So that’s where I want to see you put your energy and your attention, not in limiting your food, but in catching those beliefs and getting current with yourself. Because what happens is, we will often pitch our tent at the age where the insult happened, around food and body. So if around age 15 I started getting the message you’re not good enough, you got to lose weight. Even though I’m 60-something years old now, the 15-year-old in me is always looking in the mirror. The 15-year-old in me is always the one making decisions around food. And thinking, I’m not good enough, this body is not good enough, this diet’s not good enough. So, in a strange way, your job is to be a better mother to yourself than your mother was. And release her from the job of being your mother. She did her best. It’s over with. You know, with the kind of relationship you have with her going into the future, that’s up to you. But at the very least, you know, she’s no longer the person raising you. And she’s no longer the person whose approval you need to feel good about yourself. Because you’re not dependent on her. You don’t need her approval in order to feel good about yourself. There’s an old part of you that feels like I need her approval, but that part just lives in your head. So every time that thought comes up, oh, it’s a great thing to catch it. Notice that oh, here’s me again, thinking that if I want to do this or do that my mother is not going to approve… No, wait a sec. Doesn’t matter. Do I approve? That’s what you want to check in with.

So back to weight for a moment, back to your body, instead of focusing all your life energy, as you have been, in a strange way, it’s been to get approval from the outside. Yeah, men are visual, but you know, something at this stage of the game, men want to partner, men want love, men want connection, men want intimacy. Men in your age group, they’ve been around the corner a few times, they have experience. And they want a person that’s right for them. Look around you, you’ll see people of all shapes and sizes in relationship. Don’t be one of those people that goes and starves yourself, loses a bunch of weight, and then says, great, I’m going to go and get a guy now. You’ve hooked a guy.

You’re basically telling the world you’re telling the universe. Okay, here’s my value, my value is in the fact that I just lost 15 kilos, that’s my value. You’re making your body the billboard. You’re actually saying this is my value. You’re looking for that guy. Look for the guy that meets you and looks at you and hangs out with you and says, wow, I’m interested! That’s the guy you’re interested in. So if you lose 15 kilos, he loves you. If you gain 15 kilos, he loves you. Doesn’t matter. That’s what you want to put out to the world. Not like, hey, look, I lost a bunch of weight, now you can love me. Because that’s actually the guy you’re attracting. So as soon as you start putting your energy where it belongs, which is you being the best Reni, you being the best version of yourself. The best version of yourself is, doing the things that you know you love. Maybe you can start being around animals part time, maybe you can start doing some part time coaching or readings on the side. Have a few practice clients. Just to start getting into that universe. Maybe you can start dating. Nothing to wait for. You could be in a transition with work and still date. You’re always gonna… we’re always in transition. With something or other. Kids are moving out of the house, you’re changing location, this is happening, it’s always something going on.

So, all I’m saying is why wait? And I think it would be a great idea for you to write a list of who you’ll be. If you’re being the real you, independent of weight and looks. So take that away from the equation. Okay, sure, I lose weight, I feel lighter, I feel more confident, got it. Now, what’s everything else that makes your life worth living? That’s where I want to see you put your energy. Especially, especially if you’re the type that’s a little bit more of a loner. It’s easier to get lost in your own world, easier. Easier to get lost in the world of food, easy to get lost in the territory that you’re more familiar with, which is thinking about food, worrying about food, worrying about your weight. As soon as you are creating more connection. Like you said, when I’m busy, I think less about that. Well, yes, I get that. And you’ll even forget about it more when you’re busy doing the things that you love, and that are part of your plan for you. And part of you being your best self. So how’s all that landing for you?

Reni 

Yeah, that’s really good. I sort of get that if I do the things that fill my cup, I’ll be getting my kind of nutrition from a different place. I’ll be getting it from a place that makes me happy, that lets me be my authentic self. And that just loves me for me, because I’m doing what I love. So food becomes less of a focus. So I totally hear what you’re saying, and that I need to start focusing on the things that I love, and the rest will fall into place naturally.

Marc David 

That’s what I believe. I believe that when, especially when it comes to weight loss, when all else doesn’t work, and I’m going to say all else hasn’t sustainably worked for you. Appetite Suppressant drug, you know, we’re cheating the system a little bit. That can’t work sustainably long term, nor would I want you on an appetite suppressant drug for very long. So, because the strategies you’ve done, which is most people who are lifelong, trying to lose weight, you’re not the only person. So when that’s not working, okay, let’s just shift. And let’s focus our attention on you being your best self. Because when you’re being your best self, I’ve noticed that the body has its best chance of being the best it. The body tends to track us. The body tends to live a little bit downstream of the soul. So when you and I are just following more of our guiding star, we tend to feel better, we feel lighter. When I’m doing the things that I love that are in alignment with who I am, I feel lighter, I feel better, I feel happier. And the fact that I’m a little less fit, or have a little more fat, or a little too this, or too that, doesn’t matter so much.

Reni 

Yeah. Definitely.

Marc David 

Because when you’re 90-something and you’re on your deathbed, and you’re dying, and you’ve got everything you want. You’re not gonna be on your deathbed dying and say, Oh, thank God, I lost 15 kilos. Nobody says that on your deathbed. You’re saying, you know, I lived a good life, I did this, I accomplished that, I loved, I had intimacy, I helped people. You’re not gonna be thinking about you lost a bunch of weight.

Reni 

No, that’s right.

Marc David 

So I’m going to say even as a weight loss strategy, I think your best strategy is to put it a little more to the side. And do something you haven’t done before, which is take all that energy that was going into weight loss, and going into worrying about food, and thinking about food, and going into pleasing the invisible committee in your head. Which is headed up by your mom, she’s the chairman of the Reni approval committee. But it’s all invisible people. And just do the things that are going to help you live your best life.

Reni 

Yeah. How do I do that though? Marc, like, especially with impostor syndrome? How do I trust myself and believe in myself that I can fulfill all these dreams that I want to do to become the real me?

Marc David 

Baby steps. Baby steps, always baby steps. So start small. Do a reading with a friend. Start with people you know and love. Don’t charge money and build your confidence, see what you can do. So you have to, you have to practice, you have to put yourself out there. If you want to help other human beings, you got to start by helping them as best you can, as best you know how. And then let the chips fall where they may.

Reni 

Okay.

Marc David 

You know, it’s sort of, when you have a child when you had your daughter, you don’t exactly know what you’re doing. You’ve never been a parent before. So you just you just start doing what seems like the right thing to do. You notice what other people have done, you notice what you learned along the way, by observing, and you give it your best. So the same when it comes to starting to do the things you love, you just take baby steps. So incremental steps, what’s what’s doable for you? Right now, it’s doable to potentially see somebody and see them for free. So you don’t feel like an impostor if they pay you money and you don’t help them. And then you practice because there’s always people out there who are willing to have a reading from you or get some coaching from you if it’s going to be free. And you get to learn on the job.

Reni 

Yeah. Yeah. Good point.

Marc David 

So it’s putting yourself out there taking the baby steps. And I think, you know, I know what it’s like to be more of a loner or an introvert because that’s my tendency. And for some people, we need to work a little bit to overcome that tendency, when we want to actually have the things that we want. So the reality is, in order to help other human beings, you have to circulate a little more. You have to be in the mix, you have to jump into the fray, you have to show up.

Reni 

Yeah. Okay.

Marc David 

So there might be I’m not sure for you, but there might be the part of you that you’re a little more comfortable being alone, because nobody’s going to be there to judge you.

Reni 

Yeah, maybe.

Marc David 

And yeah, you enjoy your own company. That’s great. And you can still enjoy your own company, and have the part of you that starts practicing being more out there. So what have you taken away from this conversation?

Reni 

So I think I’ve taken away the fact that I need to just focus on things really, that really matter. Focus on the things that will get me ahead in life, and that made me happy. Step into who I am and not make food my number one thing that I focus on anymore. Rather, it’s like, just believe that all those other things will fall into place on their own once I start working towards becoming the, or enhancing, the real me that is real, and that wants to be more authentic, and that wants to serve the world and stuff, and just step into who I am, more than worry about weight and food.

Marc David 

Great. So really, in other words, what you do is, you’re reversing your whole strategy. Previously, the strategy is, if I lose the weight, then all these things fall into place. Now it’s, I’m going to do these things that I want to become that I want to be and I’m going to trust that the weight thing is going to fall into place. And falling into place means you’ll either lose weight at some point in that journey, or you’re going to lose the need to lose weight, or you’re going to lose some of the need to lose some of the weight. You literally lose it you won’t care.

Reni 

Yeah, true.

Marc David 

So it’s reversing how you’ve been doing it. And I just want to mention to you that, you know, it’s not going to necessarily come easy at first because the old habit is to go into the familiar. It’s familiar to worry about food. It’s familiar to worry about weight. It’s familiar to order your day around that. So it’s going to feel a little weird saying, okay, I’m going to deprioritize food, and it takes practice. So do it in baby steps. And be gentle with yourself, be compassionate with yourself, take your time, because you’re, you’re changing a lifetime, just about, of thinking… of a pattern of being, in a pattern of thinking. And you can do it. You’re at the ideal age to do it. And like I said, I, I think this is your, this is the time when your wisdom self, your wise woman, is being born. It sounds like she wants to be born. And in order for her to be born, it’s a self-birthing act. It doesn’t just happen. Like, part of it happens, the wise woman is available to you now, more than ever. And it takes you moving towards that part of you, evoking her, bringing her out, creating the conditions in your life, so that the wise woman in you is being fed and nourished so she can get stronger. So you have to do all the things that feed the wise woman and you

Reni 

Gotta step into my queendom.

Marc David 

Bingo, you got it.

Reni 

Yeah, and I know it. It’s just easier said than done.

Marc David 

It is, it actually is easier said than done, but sometimes, we have to get to the point where we realize, oh, I know what I have to do. And now’s your opportunity. You know, it’s this conversation can be an inflection point, a change point for you in just deciding that I want this for myself, I want my best life. And now I’m going to just try a whole different approach to getting there because the approach I’ve been taking hasn’t really worked for me. And I’ll tell you, I see it work for hardly anybody. People who have been trying to lose weight for decades, so they can be happy and have their best life. Uh uh. So I like where you’re heading.

Reni 

Thank you, Marc. Yeah, that’s been awesome.

Marc David 

Glad we had this conversation, Reni, thanks for your openness. And thanks for being such a good sport.

Reni 

No, you’re welcome, Marc and thank you so much for your wise words and your help. It means a lot.

Marc David 

You’re very welcome, Reni. Thank you.

Thanks, everybody, for tuning in. Take care of my friends.

Reni 

Bye