We live in a time when perfectionism is flourishing across the human landscape. Far too many people are burdened with the belief called: “I must be perfect.” We might believe that we need to have:
- The perfect body
- The perfect weight
- A perfect diet
- Perfect health
- The perfect life
Or perhaps we live with the idea that we just need to be a perfect person who does everything perfectly.
After all, if we’re perfect, wouldn’t that mean that everyone would love us? Wouldn’t that imply that we can live happily ever after, with no worries and no blemishes on our souls, simply because we have achieved perfection?
Perfectionism is so alluring because it promises us so much.
And yet, what every perfectionist discovers at some point, is that perfectionism delivers so little. Not only does it fail to make us happy in any way, perfectionism actually keeps us locked into a state of constant tension.
In this article, I’ll talk about:
- What perfectionism is
- Where perfectionism comes from
- Why perfectionism is toxic
- The steps we can take to overcome perfectionism…
Let’s dive in…
What is Perfectionism?
Perfectionism is the belief that we can be a human being who is without fault. It’s a way of thinking that convinces us that we can exist without any blemishes, that we can do everything “right,” and that we can eliminate all shortcomings.
Consider perfectionism as a system of false beliefs.
It’s an inaccurate perception of the world, and of how life works.
When we adopt the perfectionist mindset, we are secretly hoping to transcend all of our unhappy and unwanted emotions. After all, if we’re perfect, we wouldn’t be feeling anything that would make us uncomfortable.
Our mind falsely believes that when a state of perfection is reached, we can be the ultimate winner. No one can argue with us. No one can think ill of us. And we can live in a state where we are beyond all criticism simply because nobody in their right mind would criticize something or someone who is perfect.
Perfection promises us that we’ll be safe, and protected against all judgment.
This is especially attractive because we live in a world where judgment and criticism are so often out of control. We judge our body. Its shape. Its weight. Its specific parts. We judge our sexuality. Our looks. Our lovability.
And all of that judgment is exhausting.
Here’s the thing:
To be a human being inherently means we are beautifully imperfect.
Life doesn’t instantly conform to our demands and desires. We make mistakes. We have our strengths and weaknesses. Our shortcomings. Our human flaws. Our challenges. None of us can get through life without struggle, without loss, and without learning some hard lessons. That’s just how life has been here on planet Earth, since forever.
The world we live in, as you know, is anything but perfect.
And for good reason, we don’t like that.
We don’t want to live in a world that has pain, suffering, abuse, injustice, unfairness, emotional hurt, disease, and death. We naturally and understandably want a world that makes us feel good in every way.
Perfectionism is the belief that if we just do things right, if we follow the right diet, sculpt the right body, please the right people, and if we just be the ideal person, then we can finally live happily ever after…
We can be saved from being human.
But as every perfectionist has experienced, we can never truly find perfection, or stay there for very long.
What Causes Perfectionism?
It’s perfectly reasonable to ask, where does perfectionism come from? Who started it all?
In many ways, perfectionism is woven into the human experience. It’s a timeless companion that has perhaps been around for endless generations.
In the story of Adam and Eve, the Garden of Eden was an idyllic place. It was perfect. No disease, no death, all the animals got along, and everybody was happy.
Then things went south. Adam and Eve behaved badly. And the result was no more perfection.
In many ways, perfectionism is a promise that we can return to the original garden, to an idyllic state where there is absolutely nothing to worry about.
The deeper truth is, our soul longs for a sense of wholeness.
We want to feel as if life is a safe place for us. We want people to love us. We want approval. We want to feel that we are doing things the right way.
For these reasons, perfectionism is an outgrowth of how the child within us thinks and operates.
Children want to be loved and to feel safe. They want the adults in their world to approve of them. They want to be seen as worthy. This is a very sweet and innocent part of our human experience.
The challenge is though, we can bring this childhood need for ultimate approval and love into our adult life. And the result is that:
- We can become people-pleasers.
- We can be obsessed with having the perfect body or diet.
- We can be fixated on having perfect health.
- We can be focused on never ever making a mistake.
- We can hold others to impossibly high standards – we expect them to adhere to our version of how they should be perfect.
Once again, the strategies of the perfectionist within us are driven by our childlike, innocent need for ultimate safety and approval.
Hidden within perfectionism is the beautiful desire to be loved and safe.
I think this is important to note because having an active perfectionist in you doesn’t mean there’s something “wrong” with you. It’s an indication that you have a deeper and sweeter human desire.
But before we can let go of perfectionism and reach for that deeper desire in a more effective way, let’s take a look at the downside of the perfectionist mindset.