Healing a Negative Body Image by Embracing Your “Enoughness” – In Session with Marc David

Marc David
Welcome everybody! I’m Marc David, founder of The Institute for the Psychology of Eating. We’re in the Psychology of Eating Podcast. I’m with Sharon today. Welcome Sharon!

Sharon
Hello, Marc!

Marc David
Glad you’re here, glad we’re doing this. For anybody out there that’s new to the podcast, Sharon and I are meeting for the first time. And the idea is we’re going to have a client session and hopefully do some good work. So Sharon, if you could wave your magic wand and you can get whatever you wanted with food and body, what would that be for you?

Sharon
So, in the world of magic, if I was able to do that, I would obviously love to eat whatever I want, and any time I want, and not gain a single pound. That would be my ideal magic. Just eat whatever I want, to my heart’s content, and not gain a pound and not worry about my image. But I think the realistic answer, if I could wave my magic wand right now, I just want to look slim and slender and I guess have the thin ideal look.

Marc David
How old are you now?

Sharon
I’m 32

Marc David
And when did you first have the thought in your mind? I want to look a certain way, slim and slender.

Sharon
Back when I was a kid. Probably when I was five years old. I have an older sibling, and between the two of us I was always the the chubbier one. I know my mom, growing up, she would always say, Oh, hey. You’re chubby, and you ought to lose weight, and you’ve got to watch your figure and watch what you eat. So that’s always been in my head growing up. Me and my sister, and my mom, and even my dad, we would always watch, pageants and stuff like, you know, Miss World, Miss Universe, Miss USA, Miss China pageants. So that’s just, a big part of growing up was just watching beauty pageants as well! So…

Marc David
Isn’t it amazing how back into childhood, that’s when it all starts. Where here’s what I want to look like and here’s what it has to be. So when did you first start to manipulate your diet or try to change the food on your plate so you could weigh less?

Sharon
Well, actually never. It’s just more so growing up, I guess there was a strong importance of looking thin, and especially in the views of Chinese perception of what beauty is. So when I was five years old, I was able to wear my sister’s clothes that she fit when she was nine. So comments like that were made within the household, my mom would just say, like, oh, you know, you’re bigger, but it’s weird, because when you were born, when you came out of my belly, you were lighter. You were six pounds and this many ounces, or your sister weighed more when you guys were born. But how are you the chubbier one? So, comments like that. And my dad would sometimes say, oh, when you were born, you always had, like a spider belly. My belly was always a little bit rounder or my mom would always say oh, I had dreams about you that you became overweight…And my sister never received as much of the overweight or the “oh, I’m worried that you’re going to get fat” type of stuff, whereas I did, because I was the chubbier one out of the two of us.

Marc David
So how much weight do you want to lose?

Sharon
I would like to lose about 20 pounds.

Marc David
So what would that put you at? How much would you be weighing?

Sharon
Well, 110 – 120 that is probably where I would like to be ideally – between that range.

Marc David
When was the last time you were at that weight?

Sharon
So the last time I was at 120 was probably 10 or 11 years ago. That was before I started my “big girl job”. I always keep doing the air quotes, but yeah.

Marc David
Okay, so before you started your big girl job, you had the body you wanted to have.

Sharon
But that’s the funny thing because when I was at that weight, I always wanted to be lighter. So when I was 120 I wished I was back at 110 right? So now I’m at 135 to 140ish, I fluctuate, and now I want to be back at 120 – where I was before I started working in the workforce.

Marc David
So have you been actively trying to lose weight in this last number of years?

Sharon
Since 2020 I gained a bit and then the year after, in 2021, that’s really when I started to feel like I really want to start losing weight. I was just in this headspace of I just don’t know what to do. I need to lose weight. I don’t look good, I don’t feel good, I don’t look how I want to look…. And my partner, my fiance, he’s super supportive of me. He was the one who actually encouraged me and said “you know what, I’m going to sign you up for the gym. Let’s do it together.” He was always big into fitness and he was the one who really supported me and actually got me going and feeling comfortable going to the gym. So, yeah, he was a big part of that. So I started going to the gym in 2021, and he set me up with a workout plan and showed me how to do all the workouts and stuff like that. So I felt supported that way, and I was making good progress, but I feel like I haven’t progressed enough.

And I don’t know if it’s just me being hard on myself. And I also love food, and that’s the thing. Growing up in a Chinese household, and just the Asian culture, we just love food, right? My dad was also a chef, so we would have good food all the time. And the irony in it is, when I think about it is like, we had a dad who worked as a chef, and he would prepare all these delicious meals, and we would eat it and enjoy it. But then I still get the concept of “oh, don’t eat too much.” But then at dinner, they’re like, oh, eat more! So there’s the ironic messaging of oh, you’re always talking about my weight, but then you’re telling me to eat more. But I also know that in Chinese culture, or in Asian culture, that’s their way of showing love. Because they don’t really say I love you. They show it by giving you food! So I guess I’m conflicted because I do want to watch what I’m eating, but then I also don’t, because I love the food. And you’re encouraging me to eat, but then you don’t want me to be overweight….

Marc David
So there’s a lot of different messages in there to try to parse out and put in their proper place, and they’re a little bit conflicting. So, I usually don’t ask this question, but how much do you want to lose weight? Like in your mind, is it this would be nice, but I really don’t know if I want to do this or I’ve got to do this, and I know I’m going to do this, and it’s just a question of time and figuring it all out. Like, what do you tell yourself about your own motivation?

Sharon
And that’s the thing that I’ve tried to figure out as well. Because I’ve looked at all the goals that I’ve achieved in my life where it’s like, oh, whether I wanted to buy a house or buy a car, I’ve achieved all those things. And with my body, I want to lose 20 pounds, and I want to be at 120 or 110 or 115. I’ve asked myself, how much do I want this? And I guess, when I think about, I guess I really don’t want it that much if I haven’t reached that goal yet, right? But I wonder why can’t I approach that goal the same way I’ve approached my other goals? Because I’ve achieved every goal that I put out like, getting a house, getting a car, getting a job. But I haven’t achieved that goal of my body image, and I don’t know why that is. And then, I think maybe I’m not pushing myself harder, right? Like, I’ll go to the gym if it fits in my schedule, right? So I go to the gym now during my lunch hours, because it’s during my lunch hours and I can work it into my work schedule, but I find what’s really hard for me is, when I leave work and I wasn’t able to go to the gym that day. And if I go home it’s hard for me to get myself to leave home to go to the gym once I’m home. But if I can fit it in somewhere during the work day, then I can go and do it religiously. So I guess I have asked myself that question before: why can’t I? I feel like I’m slowly making progress, but I’m not making progress as fast as I would like to see the results. I guess…I’m not quite sure.

Marc David
I’m going to circle back to that because I think it’s a juicy topic to explore for you. I just want to learn a few more details first. So, what do you tell yourself in your mind when it comes to getting to the weight where you want to be? What do you say to yourself? Here’s what’s going to help me lose weight. I think I’m going to lose weight when I do the following, I go to the gym and what else do you tell yourself?

Sharon
If I follow a diet plan, I think that would definitely help. I’ve tried for three months, and I did see the results, I see the weight going down so I think if I actually just follow a diet plan. But I think for me, because I love food really, I want to be able to go to a restaurant and order whatever I want and have a couple drinks with friends. And that’s just such a big part of social life, right? And family gatherings, again, Easter weekend. My dad’s like, Hey, do you want to come over for Easter weekend? And I’m like, of course! You’re going to be cooking! And it’s not like I eat junk food. I enjoy my food, I don’t limit myself to anything but I think what would help me reach my goal faster is if I did follow a diet plan. And I do love my tea lattes and a Slurpee here and there, my sugary drinks, but again, I don’t have it too much, but I really enjoy lattes!

Marc David
So, do you feel pressure from your partner to lose weight?

Sharon
Not at all. No.

Marc David
What if you said to him, just theoretically, honey, I decided I’m just going to stay at this weight. How do you think he would react?

Sharon
He would support me in whatever I wanted to do. That’s why when I said, during covid I was feeling so bad, and I had a little breakdown in the kitchen. He’s said You know what? We’re gonna do this together. I’ll be with you throughout the whole entire way. So he would support me whatever I choose to do.

Marc David
Oh, that’s so sweet. Good for you. That’s the kind of love you want in your life!

Sharon
Yes, totally.

Marc David
Congratulations on having that.

Sharon
Yeah, thank you!

Marc David
So you’re doing something right here. So, I want to circle back to the question that you posed, which is, okay, I’m a I’m a goal oriented person, and I’ve reached these other goals. Why can I reach this goal? And first of all, I want to say one answer to that question is that the goal called losing weight is very different from the goal called I want to buy a car, I want to get a certain kind of job, or I want to own a home. Those kind of goals, they’re a lot more linear in how one goes about them. There can often be less emotionality in those kinds of goals, owning a car, owning a house, finding the right job. when it comes to losing weight, as we’ve already started talking about, there’s a lot going on there, because we start with a history. You’ve started with a history from a young age of being shown, like, here’s the ideal body, and there’s a message that we get somewhere inside that really lands, that that’s the ideal. And if I have that ideal, then I’ve hit the ideal. But if I don’t have then I’m essentially a little bit less than. I’m not good enough.

Sharon
I’m a hermit once I’m at home I don’t want to leave my safe space! Ha.

Marc David
And so we’re always behind. We’re always trying to catch up in the weight department, i.e. the looks department, i.e my body is acceptable or not department and that’s a goal that just has more complexity to it, that has more built into it. There’s more trapdoors in there. There’s more places to hit a speed bump or fall into a hole. I love food. I want to enjoy myself. My dad’s a chef. I learned appreciation for food, plus in my family and in my culture, this is a way that we show love. We feed each other. So essentially, to refuse food or to not eat is basically saying no to love. So, those are some interesting mixed messages that are hard to resolve. So the fact that you haven’t been able to hit this goal. On top of that, I hear that there’s certain things that are important to you. Let’s say there’s a certain kind of flow that works for you. You described, hey! if I can work out during my work day, that works for me, works in my flow. But if I go home first, essentially, what I heard is, when I’m home, I don’t leave the house and go back to the gym.

Yes, so there’s a place where your flow is important to you, and you finished your work day, and you want to be in hermit mode. Chances are, in your work day, if you’re a hermit and you have to be an extrovert at work, or you have to be interacting with people, you’re going to want to have your woman cave when you get home. Like this is my space, so that’s valuable to you. So I’m just showing reasons why when you say, Why haven’t I reached this goal? Because it’s a far more complex goal with far many more factors. And I’m saying this because I wish for you to not think of yourself in any way like I’m failing here or there’s something wrong with me that I can’t reach this goal. This is a goal that a ton of people on planet Earth are trying to get to, and is extremely difficult. You know, it’s some of the most well kept secret statistics in the weight loss universe. Over 98% of all humans who lose weight on a weight loss diet gain it back within a year, and many of those people gain more weight back within a year. So it’s very difficult to lose weight on a weight loss diet. If it was easy, you and I wouldn’t be talking about this. So what I’m interested for you is for you to really see at the very least, some of the nuances that are at work here, and especially some of the nuances that make you uniquely you, that make Sharon unique.

You’ve been very clear to me that you love food. And here’s the challenge for a lot of human beings, when we want to lose weight, we all have it wired into our brain that well, how did the weight get there? It got there because I eat food and maybe secondarily, I didn’t exercise enough. But the bottom line is, we associate weight and food. So I have the weight because food put it there. So on a certain level, food is kind of the enemy, because food becomes fat on my body. It’s sort of fat that’s the enemy. This is the fat I want off my body. So in order to get the fat off, I have to limit the food. So all of a sudden, we’re in a little bit of a contentious relationship with food, because I have to resist and push away this thing that I happen to love and that symbolizes love. But then, on the other hand, in order for me to be loved, I was told I have to have a certain kind of body. And in order to be loved and adored and valued, I have to have a certain ideal. So I don’t really know how much of you wanting to be in a certain body, lose a certain amount of weight. I don’t actually know how much of that is you, Sharon, and how much of that is your conditioning. How the world has told you to think. Now I’m going to bet that there’s definitely a part of you, if you go wave your magic wand, sure I’d have the exact body that I want. And there it is, because that’s your preference.

You prefer to have a certain weight, you prefer to have a certain job, you prefer to have a certain kind of partner, you prefer to eat certain foods. We all have our preferences. It makes us interesting people. So you prefer to be at a certain weight, and at the same time, there’s this voice that’s going on that is equating your value as a person, as a human, as a daughter, as a woman in the world. There’s a certain voice that’s equating your value with you gotta have this kind of body, because then when you have this kind of body, good girl, good woman, good Asian Princess, you did it the right way, and we now love and accept you and approve of you. That’s a lot of pressure. So it doesn’t surprise me that you’re going to hit some speed bumps, because there’s a lot of pressure, and when we feel a lot of pressure, we want to relieve that pressure. When we feel stressed, we wish to relieve that stress. Quite frankly, one of the ways we relieve stress is through food. Yeah, because you know food’s going to make you feel good. So if anything, you don’t want to limit your food when you’re feeling pressure and stress. You wish to enjoy it so you can feel some joy. So I’m just laying out the conundrum for you, as I see it does. Does that sound at all accurate for you?

Sharon
I do resonate with what you said, especially the part of the goals, right? Like, I couldn’t figure out why – I had this goal in mind, and I achieved all those other ones, why can’t I achieve this one? And I never thought about how it wasn’t linear as those other ones, right? And whereas there are so many factors like you mentioned, Oh, I love food. I like to enjoy myself. I never limit myself and all the other speed bumps along the way, So that did resonate with me. I think another thing too is the feeling that I’m not good enough because I haven’t reached that goal yet. That really hit me, because I know when I go to the gym now and I do my lifts and everything that I do feel confident at the gym, but like I said, I feel like that I guess I never realized that I still don’t feel like I’m good enough because I haven’t reached it. That was something that really hit me when you said that.

Marc David
Thanks for being so honest. And that hurts when we walk around as a human being thinking I’m not good enough, especially when it comes to something about who we are, my looks, my weight, my height, my skin, my anything like, this is me. This is you, like right now, this is you, and sure you would like you to look a little bit different. Theoretically, it’s possible to say, you know something, this is me. This is Sharon. I’m good enough. I wish to have a bigger house. I wish to have three cars. I wish to have a different body. I wish it to weigh 15 or 20, pounds less. You can say that, but still feel good enough right now, and you’re not operating from, woe is me, and how can I be acceptable? I’m not acceptable. No, you can move towards those goals with the understanding that you already have one car at least, or one house, and so far so good.

If we’re going towards a goal, and in the background is I’m not good enough. In my experience, it’s harder to get that goal. It’s just harder because there’s a lot of pressure, like, if I don’t hit this goal, then whoa, I’m going to be in an eternity of not good enough. And it’s the kind of not good enough. Chances are, when you were five or six years old, you weren’t thinking, you know, when I grow up, I want to have a car, or I want to have a house. You weren’t thinking that. You were thinking when I grow up, I want to look like that or that. So this is a conditioning, or it’s a story that we carry from childhood, and it’s the child in us, it’s the child in you, that on a certain level, I believe, is wanting love and approval, because that’s what we want as children.

As a child, I want to know mommy and daddy approve of me. They love me. Because if they love me and they approve of me, I’m safe, I’m good! If they don’t love me, and if they don’t approve of me, then Whoa. What’s going to happen? Are they going to abandon me? Are they going to leave me? So children are hungry to know that they are safe, and that safety comes through the knowing, the bodily knowing, I am loved, and I am loved for who I am unconditionally. So you have a conditional message in there. You’ve been delivered the conditional message. It wasn’t so on the surface, but it was still there. The conditional message called God, we’d love you even more. If you just look like this, it would be even more lovable.

Sharon
And that’s the thing. I don’t think my parents or my mom meant to say that or mean that. That we’d love you more if you were like this. I think they love us no matter what, but I don’t think they realize that what they say affects me so much. For an example, I remember one moment where I haven’t seen my parents for a while and then the first thing that my mom says would be Oh, you’ve gained weight. I’m like, thanks! You haven’t seen me in a couple months or a couple weeks and that’s the first thing that you say to your daughter. That type of thing. So I did have a moment there that once I left my parents, I was crying to my fiance. Saying, that’s the first thing my mom said to me when she didn’t see me in a couple months and that did really hit me. But I understand that they don’t… I think it’s also part of the Chinese culture. They just say that stuff to try to motivate you to lose weight or to at least put it on your radar that you gain weight so that you could do something about it.

Marc David
I think this is a really important distinction that you’re highlighting, which is, no, my parents aren’t doing this to say we don’t love you, but the child in us, the child in you, will interpret it as, wait a second, I’m going to cry because that hurts, because it hits that place where I don’t feel lovable. And it’s that childlike place in you. It’s not adult Sharon. It’s five year old Sharon that’s crying. So it’s almost like we get transported back in time to a childhood moment, because once again, we want our parents to love us and to the child’s mind those comments are interpreted by the child’s mind as, oh, this means I’m not lovable. Now your adult mind is very clear. I know my parents love me, and they’re doing this because they think it’s going to motivate me somehow. But the net result is, how it lands for you is it doesn’t feel so good, which reminds you that there’s this part of you that’s going towards this goal, that’s a sensitive little girl. That’s five year old Sharon, trying to have the ideal body.

Sharon
That makes sense! Because in my head, I know that they love me. I know that. And the way that they show love again is by putting it on your radar, bringing it up to your attention, to say, hey, just letting you know, right? I’m making this comment and saying this because I want it on your radar so that you can be more mindful when you eat. Or be more mindful about the food items that you choose to eat and that type of stuff. And I know that but I guess the feeling of like you mentioned. I guess it’s a little girl of me saying, why are you saying all this to me? I want to do what I want. And it hurts too. But I always wonder in my head why? I know that’s not the place that they’re coming from, but why am I still so affected by it? So I think that’s a big part of it is the child me.

Marc David
Yes. So instead of ‘why am I still so affected by it?’ try on that ‘I am still affected by this!’ I just am. I’m a human being. And there’s a part of me that is a smart, clear adult who has her act together and there’s a part of me that’s a little girl that certain things touch me off, and that’s one of them. So it’s very sweet, it’s very innocent. It’s the part of us that is just vulnerable and wants to be loved, and again, the child’s mind is interpreting that as I’m not loved, I’m not lovable, and this has to change. So again, I’m hanging out here with you, just to highlight what I see are some of the nuances of your journey and why it’s been hard for you to stay on this path and stick to a diet, and say, Okay, well, no, I’m going home and then I’m going to go to the gym, because there’s a part of you that actually, and it’s fine.

Sharon
Yes, I’m still working towards it. So, I’m seeing the changes in my body and I know I’m getting there, but just at a slower pace. And I guess I sometimes am hard on myself, like the part where I mentioned where I like it to work seamlessly into my schedule, like the flow. I just have to get it out of my head like, hey, if I come home, I do actually have to force myself, or at least take the first step of going to the gym when I it’s just a matter of starting. And I guess the motivation to actually start going to the gym after I get home. I know I just have to go and do it and then once I start it, it’ll become part of my routine. I guess I get so hard on on myself, because I haven’t actually gone and done that yet, even though, again, in my head, I know if I was to reach this goal, instead of going to hermit mode when I get home, get out as soon as you get home. Get all your things and then go.

Marc David
There’s a part of you that doesn’t want to do all this. There’s a part of you that doesn’t want to have to diet. There’s a part of you that doesn’t want to have to go to the gym all the time, that’s fine, you know, and doesn’t want to have to go through all this hassle. Like, just, like, let’s just be me, and let’s just enjoy my food. And, yeah, I don’t want to gain any more weight, for sure, but I just want to be me, and I don’t want to have to do all these things and myself, and I want to come home, and I want to be in my relaxed environment. So all I’m saying is, there’s this other voice in you that’s saying something very different, and all these voices are very valid. So it’s just understanding our own psychology. We’re not just one person inside. Yes, you’re you, I’m me, but there’s kind of a crowd inside of our head. And there’s the part of you that’s a daughter, there’s a part of you that’s a partner to your man. There’s a part of you that is a professional. So these are all different voices. There’s a part of you that’s somebody’s best friend, you know, maybe someday you’re going to be a mother. So, we have different voices. We have the child in us. We might have, I don’t know, the scientist in us, the nerd, the hero. There’s so many different voices, and sometimes those voices are at odds with each other. So I think this is one of those cases where there’s one voice in you saying one thing, and there’s another voice in you saying another thing. And the net result is you’re not moving as fast as you would like to.

I think those choices will be easier for you to make as you start to notice the part of you that is wanting to lose weight for approval from others. Notice the part of you that’s the little girl that wants to be approved of and doesn’t yet feel good enough, and in my ideal world for you, you reach a place where as best as humanly possible, you know, I’m good with myself! I’m Sharon, and this body is okay. If I had to live in this body for the rest of my life, I’m going to enjoy the heck out of it, and I’m going to make this work, and I’m going to love it, and I’m going to be good enough. And, you know something, I have a preference, and I would like to shape shift my body and in order to shape shift my body, there’s certain things I need to focus on. So it’s looking to come from a place more of inspiration, as opposed to being pushed or motivated by I’m not good enough. Because when I’m trying to make decisions and choices based on I’m not good enough, it can be a little harder for us if I’m making choices from a place of you know, I’m good with me. I’m good with this body. And my partner loves me. My parents love me. I have nothing to prove to anybody.

Sharon
I guess what I want is to prove to myself that I can do it too, though, right? But it’s like, oh, I want to be back to 120 and that’s what I used to be, and I guess to prove myself that I can get there again. And then eventually, go to 115 and 110 and then when I’m there, maybe I want to do a bodybuilding competition or something like that. That thought had crossed my mind before. So I guess proving to myself that I can do it.. I guess another goal that I’m kind of like planning, but the goal that I want to go for, it’s taking me longer to get to, but I’ll get there eventually, if I just keep up with the habits. I know it’s just thoughts in my head down, eventually, if I get down to that weight or whatever, I do want to try out a bodybuilding competition and just to prove to myself that I can do it, or just to see. But then another part of me feels, no, I love food way too much to do that. That type of thing so I would talk myself out of it. But then part of me also is like, but I actually want to see how far I can go…

Marc David
So all those voices, all I want to say again is those voices are equally valid and as best as humanly possible, to not make yourself wrong for that. It’s literally owning those parts of you, like I’m into health, and I’m into fitness, and I could easily own the part of me that, sometimes I just want to eat whatever I want, and sometimes I just don’t want to go out and exercise. I might push myself to do it, but there’s definitely this part of me that can be lazy. So I’m aware of that part. I notice it, and I don’t fight it, I don’t make it wrong. I’m just noticing it. Oh, there it is. So at some point you will start to notice which voices are the most important for you. Because ultimately, what I wish for you is that whatever you do, it’s a choice that’s really for you. And that sure, if you want to prove something to yourself, that’s probably the best person to prove something to – it’s to you. But I wish for you to to really relax into you don’t need to prove anything to your parents or to your partner like you don’t need to prove anything to them. You might think you do, but I don’t think you do. I think they love you, and they might have whatever opinions, they might say, whatever they say, and still, you’re loved by them. And there’s a place where, if that’s enough for you, if you can relax into that, then when it comes to your goals, with weight, with fitness, it’ll be easier to move towards those goals because you’re not being weighed down by Oh, my God, if I’m not successful at this, I’m not gonna be loved. It seems to me that you do well when you set a goal and you’re proving something to yourself, and there’s not necessarily a lot of emotionality around it. Like getting to the place where you can get your own car, sure it’s exciting, but there’s not a lot of emotionality around it. You’re not busy thinking like, if I don’t get this car, nobody’s going to love me. They might think you need a car. They might wonder why you don’t have one. But it’s not as charged of a topic as looks and weight and shame.

Sharon
Yeah, I want to look good in a dress too! I think again, growing up and watching all the pageants, right? And then going to the stores and seeing clothes just look better on a thinner body and that being part of that thin ideal look, like the slim, slender look that that the Chinese culture perceived to be like the ideal perception of beauty. I think it’s still in the back of my head to where I was like, Oh, I just wish that I was just that slim and slender. The modelesque where you can put on anything and just look good, right? I know that I’m not overweight and I’m relatively healthy. Well, actually, I am healthy, that’s what my doctor said! And that I don’t know, it’s just the image thing, I guess it’s always the thing that I struggle with the most – and looking good in clothes.

Marc David
Yes, that’s a lot of pressure. So it makes sense to me that you would struggle with that, because that’s coming from the outside world. It’s coming from the media. It’s coming from culture. It’s coming at you from every angle. It’s coming at every young woman and every young man from so many places. So it’s hard not to be impacted by that. And at the same time, as you mature and as you step more into yourself and your power, it becomes more important to notice, what are the goals that I truly have for me, and what are the goals that were kind of placed there by the world that aren’t necessarily mine? Now, there might be certain goals that were placed by the world that you decide. Yeah, I want to go for that. That’s totally fine, that’s, that’s, that’s your choice, but it’s just helpful, if you’re going to go for that, to do your best to make it your choice, like I’m choosing this for me, I’m not choosing this to be lovable by others. I’m not choosing this to satisfy some committee of people out there who are going to say, oh, okay, Sharon, did it, good girl, congratulations. We accept you now whatever it is that you’re doing it for you, because I think that’s going to help you actually get to your goal!

Sharon
Right, yes. And I think part of this whole journey, I’m starting to realize that. Whereas I’m not so worried about watching what I’m eating. I’m still am mindful, I’m not going to eat a burger every day or that type of thing, but I think I’m not putting those limits on myself, of ‘you’ve got a diet, diet, diet!” But I think going to the gym and just showing up and going to the gym, that’s my first battle, right? And as long as I get there, then I know that I’m making progress, and I’ll get to the goal that I want. So I think I’m on the right track, and that I am actually doing it for me. In 2021 when I decided that I didn’t like my body and the whole gym journey, that with the help and some encouragement from my partner, I’m slowly on my way to achieve that goal. I guess I’m just being really hard on myself that I’m like, oh, I should have gotten there faster, or I should have gotten there already, or I should have gotten there by now. Whereas, I’ve been going to the gym on average, three to five days a week since 2021. And for me, I’m seeing the small changes in my body, but I don’t see the big changes. Whereas, someone who’s maybe more dedicated and they would like to lose their weight within like, three or six months, right? Whereas, I think why can’t I get there and then I’m like, Oh, wait, but it’s also because I love food and all these things, right?

Marc David
So I want to offer another distinction that may or may not be helpful for you.

I find it’s very useful when we’re looking to lose weight, that each one of us consider that you are on your own unique weight loss journey. Your weight loss journey is different from every other human beings, just like you are different from every other human being. Do we have similarities, sure, but your journey as a person in life is uniquely yours, and your journey with weight is uniquely yours. So would you like it to be faster, sure, but here’s what your journey looks like, here’s what it’s doing, and here’s how long it’s taking, and you’re more in the baby step universe in this department. And you know something that’s not bad, because I’m going to tell you in my experience, not all the time, but a majority of the time, when we lose weight incrementally more slowly. It’s much easier to hit our new natural weight and keep it there and have sustainable weight loss, because a lot of times when people lose weight really quickly, it’s because it gets very extreme that’s not sustainable. Extreme exercise, extreme calorie restriction, and then at some point you rebound. You’re not extremely exercising, and you can’t just eat 500 calories a day. And so you rebound, and you go in the other direction, whereas you know, for all we know, this is the wisdom of life and the wisdom of your body moving in its own way.

So I would just offer for you to trust that, because this is, this is less about, I mean, sure it’s about weight loss, but this is about you feeling fulfilled as a person. This is about you reaching certain goals that are going to make you feel good about yourself. So if you want to get to the goal called I feel good about myself, it’s best that the journey resembles that.

Sharon
That is true, yeah!

Marc David
Most stressed human beings will tend to be weight gainers as opposed to weight losers. There’s some people who when they become extremely stressed, they lose weight. It’s about 10 to 15% of the population, observationally speaking. Most people when they’re under stress, covid times, so many people gained weight. There’s a tiny percentage of people who lost weight because of the stress of that. So all I’m saying is it’s also physiologic. So you’re doing your physiology a favor. You’re doing your weight loss physiology a favor. The more you can relax into the weight loss journey and enjoy yourself in that journey, celebrate the small successes and let the pace be what it is.

So because if I’m beating myself up on my weight loss journey. I’m terrible. I suck. I’m too fat, I’m no good. I went off my diet. I’m so terrible. How am I going to end up in a destination of happiness? So the idea is to build happiness along the way. Is to build satisfaction along the way. Like, yeah, I’m getting to the gym three to five days a week. Satisfied! I’m seeing incremental changes. Celebrate that! Satisfied. The more we’re in a literal stress response, the more anxiety we have about this goal, the more anxiety, the more fear, the more stress. I’m using those terms interchangeably, the more we’re literally in stress chemistry, the more we’re in stress chemistry, the more difficult it is to shape shift the body in stress chemistry. It’s essentially signaling the body to store weight and store fat and not build muscle.

Sharon
Yeah! And I think I finally sort of settled into that where I’m like okay, at least I’m putting in the effort, and I know it’ll eventually get there. Just sometimes, those voices in your head pop up, and then you say hey, I should have gotten there faster. Because I’m on social media and I’m looking at fitness journey stories and stuff like that. And it’s like, oh! It’s just again moments in time where I have those thoughts, but I think I have reached a point in my fitness journey where I’m actually happy, where it’s like, oh, if I can get to the gym, great! If I can’t, no big deal. Not gonna, you know, be like, Hey, you didn’t go today.. But I think it’s been really helpful talking to you about this!

Marc David
I hope so. I think you’re really poised to have what you want, and there’s just certain inner shifts that we’ve been talking about that I think are subtle but are powerful, and really start to notice where there’s a little girl in you wanting approval and and that’s understandable. There’s nothing wrong with that. We just want the part of you that’s looking to lose weight and exercise and eat, right, we want that to be the woman in you, that to be the adult in you who’s making those choices and saying I’m doing this for me, I already feel good about myself. As best you can.

Sharon
Yeah, totally agree!

Marc David
Well, Sharon, I hope this was helpful for you

Sharon
It has been. Thank you so much, Marc!

Marc David
Thanks for doing this, thanks for being real, thanks for being honest. I so appreciate it.

Sharon
Yeah, glad to be here.

Marc David
Thank you all for tuning in. Take care!