Afraid of Gaining Weight? How to Move from Food Fear to Food Freedom – In Session with Marc David

Afraid of Gaining Weight? How to Move from Food Fear to Food Freedom – In Session with Marc David

Marc David
Welcome, everybody. I’m Marc David, founder of the Institute for the Psychology of Eating. Here we are in the Psychology of Eating Podcast. I’m with Tamara today. Welcome, Tamara.

Tamara
Thank you.

Marc David
So let me just let people know — if you’re new to the podcast, for everybody, how this works is, Tamara and I are meeting for the first time together. And the idea is to have a session and see if we can make some good things happen. So Tamara, if you could wave your magic wand, and if you can get whatever you wanted when it comes to food and body, what would that be for you?

Tamara
I would like to be able to stop obsessing about food, being able to hear my — or feel my full and hunger signals. I think I’ve ignored them for so long. So I’m just always having to obsess about when’s the next time I’m going to eat and all that. Also, I will be able to control my eating in the evening. I struggle during that time. I have dinner, and then from that time on, I am just snacking. I’m not hungry. I would just love to get that under control. Because I feel like I’m gonna have a hard time maintaining my weight with this food addiction. So if I could fix those things, I’d be good.

Marc David
All right. So how long has this sort of thing been a challenge for you?

Tamara
You know, probably all my life. I’ve just finally have been okay with learning that I do have a food addiction. I’ve been overweight since I was a little girl. I’ve gotten to my — pretty much my goal weight or maintenance, however you want to call it. But the addiction I have — it’s the behavior. So it’s — I’ve had it forever. So.

Marc David
What’s the what’s the earliest age you could remember?

Tamara
Probably about 10. I think so.

Marc David
And what did you notice about yourself? Were you just eating a lot? Were you just — what do you think was going on for you?

Tamara
Yeah. You know, like I said, I’ve always been overweight. And I think I used it for pretty much every emotion. I don’t remember a whole lot about my childhood other than, you know, I was teased a lot and different things like that. But I’ve used food as a crutch all my life just for whatever — any and every emotion — good, bad, depressed, sad. You know, so around then.

Marc David
So how old are you know?

Tamara
I am 48.

Marc David
Okay, and do you have family? Married? Kids?

Tamara
Yep, I’m married. And I’ve got one daughter — one daughter that’s 23.

Marc David
All right, congratulations.

Tamara
Thank you.

Marc David
So how does your partner feel about your weight?

Tamara
Honestly, he’s great. I mean, I could — I will say I could be 1000 pounds, and he would… You know, he loves me for for here, and here. So he’s been with me, you know, when I started this journey. So like I said, I’ve lost over 200 and something pounds. He loved me before. And he loves me now. He doesn’t really care about my size. He just wants me to be healthy, because I was very sick. Very sick.

Marc David
So when you were young, what were your parents thinking or saying about your weight? How did they deal with where you were at with your body?

Tamara
So my mom raised me — my sister and I. And honestly, she was my protector. From all the — what do you want to call it? Favoritism. Things like that. My sister and I are like total opposites. Well, at least we were then, you know. I was heavy. She was slim. I was dark. She was light. And it was just like, yeah, it was a tough time. But my mom kind of protected me, fed me very well. I don’t want to blame her for all of that. But she’s an amazing cook, and a baker, but — um, yeah, that’s all I remember. I just remember feeling that, being in the background, and just eating.

Marc David
Yeah. So has there ever been times over the years when, sort of the — like, the inner noise quiets down a little bit and you go, “Oh, that feels better.” Does that ever happen for you?

Tamara
Um, from time to time.

Marc David
Can you notice — I mean, it doesn’t have to be perfect. Like, during such times, can you think of what’s different at those times? Is it just — does it just happen, and there’s no rhyme or reason? Or are there certain things going on in your life?

Tamara
As far as like the overeating and obsessing?

Marc David
Yes, exactly.

Tamara
Um, I know because I’ve been working on this for so long, trying to figure out what my triggers are and things. At least as far as the nighttime eating, once I’m done with work for the day, I check out. And it’s like, okay, I understand I do need to check out, but when I check out — I have dinner, and I’m just — until the time I go to bed. And it’s soothing. Yeah, it just feels good. And I think like I said, I’ve been doing it for so long that — I don’t know, it just rocks me to sleep. And then, you know, the worst part about it is that I get up in the middle of the night. Every night. I’ve been battling that like crazy. And I know if I don’t get this under control, my weight is gonna — like right now I’m teetering these, like, 10 pounds. Up, down, up, down, up, down. And I really believe it’s because I can’t — this food addiction is just really — I think this is the worst I’ve battled with it.

Marc David
So when you get up in the middle of the night, are you eating?

Tamara
Oh, yeah. That’s it. Eat, and go right back to sleep. It’s embarrassing, but it’s…

Marc David
Well, when you say food addiction, what does that mean for you?

Tamara
And you know, I just came to that conclusion about a few months ago. I saw a therapist. I knew I had a problem with food. But she told me basically, “You’re in recovery. You’re a food addict.” So I just think it’s just more the behavior. I have that addictive behavior or obsession. And I’ve kind of made peace with it because I do have a problem. I don’t like the word addiction. But the behavior I have is out of control pretty much, when it… So.

Marc David
So what do you think? What helped you be successful? When it came to losing weight, and getting to a place where, you know — even though your inner world might be struggling, it sounds like you’ve had a significant weight loss and you’ve been able to relatively maintain it — what worked for you?

Tamara
Um, honestly, I just had to start honoring myself. I mean, sounds silly, maybe but — I had to change my whole my whole lifestyle. And I’ve just worked so hard on that, exercise, and my diet. I don’t know, because I — and, like, the last few years, like I said, I’ve been doing very well. But um, I don’t know, it’s just a struggle right now. But I’ve been able to keep focused. And now that I’m able to work with other people, it’s kind of — gives me more to be accountable for than just to myself. So I know that’s been a big piece of it, is kind of sharing my journey with people.

Marc David
Yeah. So I still want to stay with this question. Because you had a big transformation. How much weight did you lose?

Tamara
In total, probably about 260. I’m battling that 10. 260, 270 almost.

Marc David
Okay, so that’s a that’s a profound weight loss. That doesn’t happen by itself. Okay, so I hear you changed certain lifestyle things. The first thing you said when I asked you that question, “What changed?” is — you said, “Well, I started honoring myself.” And then you started talking about, you know, exercise and lifestyle and whatever. What did that mean for you? What does that mean for you? When you say, “I started honoring myself”? I think this is important. That’s why I’m kind of…

Tamara
Yeah, it is. I actually just started taking care of myself. I had been like in such a deep depression for so long. But I started putting myself first and honoring my body. You know, just wanting to be healthy and understanding that it’s okay for me to take care of me, because I just didn’t for so long. I really didn’t even know how, but I just slowly started learning that if I — the better I am to myself. That’s kind of how I got here, and I tell people that all the time too. But that whole self-care, self-worth, confidence — all of that came from recognizing that I’m important, that I have to take care of myself. Like, with my husband, I always say — you know, as much as he loves me, if he could have fixed me, he would have. So I just had to get to the point where I had to love myself enough to do this. And I try to just think about that every day, you know?

Marc David
Yeah, yes. Okay. So I have some thoughts that I want to share. And all in the interests of helping you begin to see some daylight for yourself. And helping get you on a road, on a path that feels right for you. Okay? That’s what’s most important. Because you had your initial big shift because you did something that was so right for you. Which was honoring yourself. And I think another way of saying honoring yourself, is that a part of you decided, “I want to be here.”

Tamara
Absolutely.

Marc David
“I want to be here. I want to be alive on planet Earth.” Now, you might not — people don’t always try to kill themselves. But a lot of times, we sort of don’t want to be here. And if I don’t want to be alive on planet Earth because my life, my body, my this, my that, my upbringing, and the hurts, and the abuses, and the traumas. And we have good reasons to not want to be here. It’s not easy. I get bullied — why would I want to be here? So what happens is, we have one foot here on Earth, and we have another foot kind of out the door. But what “out the door” looks like is — we check out. We distract. We look for things that help me actually disembody. Because, where do we feel pain? Where do we feel upset? We feel it here. It’s in my body. So if I can check out of my body and figure out some way to feel good in my body, then at least there’s some temporary relief. And the number one place human beings go to — number one — that we go to, to find instant relief, is food. So you’re a mom. You remember when your girl was a little tiny infant, and she’s crying and screaming for whatever reason. And you bring her over, and you give her the bottle, or you give her the breast — within a second, she’s calm and she’s relaxed. So all of us, every human being, we have the genetic memory, the lived memory, called “feel bad, eat food, feel better.” And for some of us, that becomes extremely important. Because it becomes our only coping strategy as we get older and older. In an ideal universe, you and I would have learned coping strategies — you know, for me, it was sugar. When I was a kid, I just — sugar, sugar, sugar. Ideally, we would have learned better coping strategies, but — nobody’s fault. You know, the world is what it is. And you knew that “food makes me feel better,” because every infant knows that, every little kiddie knows that, every child — everybody knows it. So the reason why I’m mentioning that, is that I would love to see you start to reframe your journey, and begin to see it in a more generous way. So why I don’t like the term food addiction — and I understand where it’s all coming from — is that food addiction has a negative connotation to it.

Tamara
It does.

Marc David
Something wrong with me. We sound like a junkie. And in most addictions –if you have an alcohol addiction, if you have a cocaine or crack addiction or heroin addiction, you kind of need to be abstinent. You can’t do alcohol, if you’re an alcoholic. You can’t do heroin, if you’re a heroin addict. You cannot do it. So you have this abstinence. So we kind of know that, but then when we hear food addiction, like, we think, “Hmm. Abstinence.” Well, you and I can’t be abstinent from food. So what I want to say is, in your journey, and for so many of us, we’re learning how to be in relationship with food. And we’re learning how to better be in relationship with our emotions. And we’re learning how to be in better relationship with — I want to say, our spiritual self. It’s the spiritual part of you, it’s the religious part of you, that says, “Okay, I want to be here. Even though it’s not easy, even though I got all this weight on me right now, I want to be here.” So there’s a place where, no matter what we look like — because the place that you started from to lose weight was, you have a big body. But you made a decision: “I want to be here.” And then that led to little behaviors and little changes. So what I think is happening right now is — it’s almost like there’s another decision time. And it’s really the same decision. Because sometimes we have to revisit our decisions. It’s kinda like, if you’ve been married a while, you know. I know some people that, like, at some point, they have a second marriage ceremony. Like, they sort of recommit. You just put more juice into it again. And I think it’s redeciding and recommitting that “I really want to be here.” And more to the point, “I want my body. And I want my journey. I want my journey, even though food is making me crazy, my relationship with food is making me crazy. I’m getting up in the middle — even though all that’s happening, even though I’m worried about — I’m gonna gain the weight back. I want this journey.” Why? Because there’s nothing wrong with you. It’s that your relationship with food and body is helping you be your best self. You know this — we all grow through hardship. So many of us. We grow through challenge. And if you didn’t have this challenge, who knows what else the challenge would be? So this is your place. And you’re not the only one — you know this. You’re not the only one who has this challenge. It’s a global challenge that we face, the global challenge called, “how to be in my body so it works, on planet Earth, in my life, so I can be my best self.” So in an ideal universe — yeah, we all have emotions, we get upset, we get anxious, we get nervous, we get down, we get depressed. And yeah, you know, sometimes if I’m down and anxious, I turn to food because it works. And then I have all these other things that I do. And I’ve had to learn other things to do, to teach me how to manage my inner world, other than with food. So you’re learning to change a lifelong habit that started at a very young age. And it was the best strategy you knew at the time. So that child that turned to food — you did that because you were smart. It’s like, “Okay, nothing’s working for me. This doesn’t feel good, but this feels good.” And honestly, having a big body, it kind of protects us. And it kind of keeps people away. Weirdly, it gets them bullying us, but at the same time, keeps people away. The biggest animals in nature, they’re — nobody messes with them. So all I’m saying is that this is a powerful journey that you’re on. As opposed to, “Something’s wrong with me. I’m broken. This is embarrassing.” I just want you to notice that languaging. Notice how you talk to yourself. What’s really happening is that you are a growing and healing and transforming woman. You are a woman who’s been on a journey of self-discovery and empowerment, and it has brought you to this amazing place right now. What’s happening is all of you has not celebrated your success. You’ve had an amazing success. And because of how our mind gets programmed by the world, we get all perfectionist. So you tell me you’re battling 10 pounds. The you, from years ago that wanted to lose 250 pounds, you would have been on your hands and knees going, “Sure, I’ll deal with 10 pounds.” Right?

Tamara
Right.

Marc David
You would have loved to have that problem. If you knew you could instantly have that problem, you would do it in a moment.

Tamara
You’re right. You’re right. And I try to remind myself of that, you know. Like, I just didn’t — sometimes I feel like I just showed up here. But I truly haven’t. But I try to remind myself of that — like, as far, you know, as I’ve come.

Marc David
Yeah. It’s really having, in a way, a spiritual reckoning with yourself. And that spiritual reckoning is all about having trust and faith, based on the own evidence of your life. Evidence of your life, when we look back on it — success, goodness. You got whatever you needed to transform your life. So there’s no reason why that doesn’t continue to the next place. So even though you’ve shape-shifted your body, what’s hanging around right now is the weight of the fear. And what helps us let go of fear is starting to notice our success. Really seeing that, really just thanking God for that. Like, “I’m successful.” It’s being grateful for where you’ve gotten to, and being able to rest in that place, because you haven’t been able to rest. And it’s tiring.

Tamara
Very.

Marc David
You can rest right now, with this body. You can rest right now. You can rest in, “I am successful.” And that’s just a moment where you get present with yourself. And you do your best to let go of the worry, and you do whatever you need to do. You pray. You center yourself. And you put yourself in your body. And you realize, “I’ve got a good life. I’ve come a long ways.” You just did that a little bit, didn’t you?

Tamara
I did.

Marc David
Yes, yes. That’s what I’m saying. That’s what I’m saying. And what I want to say, Tamara — that’s a daily practice. I would want to see you just — because you’re so committed, I want you to think of this next part of your journey with your body as a spiritual, religious practice of being grateful for how far you’ve come. Because you’ve been given whatever you’ve needed to get to this place. And it’s your right to be able to celebrate. Because then you’re feeling, see, what you want to feel. When you’re not obsessing about — when you imagine, “I just want to stop obsessing about food. I want to stop reaching to food. I want to stop eating at night.” Why? Because you want to be happier. You want to feel good. When you stopped doing all that, you want to feel good. So, and you will feel good. But what we got to do is we have to notice the places along the journey where good feelings are wanting to be felt. Because that’s what teaches your body, “Oh, right. This feels good.” Look in the mirror, and look at yourself, and think, “What would the me that weighed 250 pounds more — if she could be here right now, she’d be yelling and screaming for joy.” Right?

Tamara
Absolutely.

Marc David
You got to bring her — in a strange way, here’s what often happens. When we have a weight loss that’s significant — whatever that means for us — we’re gonna be afraid to gain it back. Because if I gain it back, then I’ll be that person again. So you’re not moving towards your life. You’re running away from that person. And I would love for you to bring the old Tamara with you. To bring her along, like she’s your little girl. And you love her up. And when you look in the mirror, pretend she’s standing right there just cheering you on like, “Amazing. Good job.” Because she’s not the enemy. She’s your friend. She’s who you used to be. And she validates your success story. So you have to love her because she’s still a part of you.

Tamara
She is.

Marc David
And it’s the part of you that’s sweet, and that’s innocent, and that’s vulnerable, and that didn’t know what to do. And here you are — you’re sweet, you’re innocent, you’re vulnerable, and you’re not sure what to do. And that’s okay. But you know how to love her now, because you’re not that same person. So it’s doing what you’re doing right now. Which is having a moment of just relaxing into, “Here I am. It ain’t perfect. It’s not exactly how I want it to be. And it doesn’t have to be perfect.” Maybe think of it like there’s two Tamaras. There’s the little girl Tamara, who had the extra weight on her body and didn’t know what to do and was struggling. And then, there’s the Tamara you are today. That’s a woman, and that’s a queen. And the queen in you, the queen in any woman, is the part of her that knows who she is. A queen sits on her throne, and she’s not looking around saying, “Do you all approve of me? Do I need to have a different dress on? Do I need to lose five pounds from my hips, so you love me more?” Like, no.

Tamara
The confidence.

Marc David
The queen is confident. The Queen rules. And if somebody doesn’t like how the queen looks, like — banish from your queendom.

Tamara
Right. I like that.

Marc David
The only person criticizing right now is you. The only person. So really what you’re learning how to do is, let the queen in you emerge, while you’re bringing along little Tamara — young Tamara, who is so happy for you, and so proud of you, and so wants your love. Love her, just like you loved your girl, all along her journey. How you doing?

Tamara
Good. Sorry, I guess I just never thought about it that way. I haven’t allowed myself to — you know, really rest and think about how far I’ve come. Like I said, sometimes I just feel like I just woke up here. But no, I was over 400 pounds. And I have to be okay and happy about that. Like you said, if I — back then if I only had to lose 10 pounds, it’s like — what’s wrong with me? Like I say that, “Like, are you serious? You lost all this weight, and you’re obsessing over 10 pounds?” People told me every day, you know — oh, you know, how well I look and everything. And sometimes I’m like, oh, you know — I don’t know. I just have to get to that place where I’m confident and okay. And realize how far I’ve come.

Marc David
Yes. And that’s a daily practice. It’s actually — it’s like a meal that you put on your plate. Like, now I’m going to just consume the experience called, “I’ve come a long way. I’ve worked really hard. I have been successful. I have done something amazing. I made a powerful choice to be here. And I’m still a work in progress, like every other human being. I’m a work in progress.” And you’re helping other people along the way.

Tamara
Yes, and that feels so good.

Marc David
You’re taking your challenges, and the things that were hardest for you — you’ve transformed so much of it, and now you’re helping other people on their journey. That’s a good woman.

Tamara
Thank you.

Marc David
You’re good people.

Tamara
I love it. I feel it’s my — kind of my calling. You could have never told me that when I was over 400 pounds, but I just — I know what it feels like. And like I said, it helps me not only be accountable to myself, but know that I’ve got other ladies that I’m working with. And you know, I want to be there for them. No, I’m not perfect. But that’s been powerful, too. But I just — every day that I get up, I do need to sit in that moment, where I tell myself I’m confident, and I tell myself that I’ve come a long way. Constant renewing my mind.

Marc David
Exactly. You have to remind yourself of that. So that habit takes over. Because the old habit — so you know, turning to food to regulate our emotions is a habit. It’s just a habit. We become accustomed to it. It’s automatic. It’s unconscious. It’s repetitive. And, like, yeah, there’s places to work there. But the reason I’ve been focusing on what I’ve been focused on with you is that, until you embrace the beauty of your journey, and the success of your journey, all the little little tricks and tools — they’re not going to work. Because you’d still be running from something, and running towards something, and you still wouldn’t have embraced the — wow, that’s your life. With the people that you help, with the people that you love, my guess is — when they’re with you, you’re not judging them. And when they do something good, even if it’s little, you’re giving them some good energy. You’re going, “Yeah.” So you’re encouraging them, and you’re unconditionally accepting them. You’re not hating on them. You don’t say to them, “I’m gonna love you more when you lose 10 pounds.”

Tamara
Right. No way.

Marc David
You’re not doing that with other people. So that’s where you want to be accountable, is to just monitor your mind. And the mind is going to want to go there. It’s going to want to go to the negative place, just because that’s the habit. And you didn’t invent that habit, by the way. That is — we inherit that from the world. All the negative self-talk and the negative self-criticism — we’re taught to do that, by the media and by the culture. And so we have to learn how to overcome that. We have to learn how to just kind of detoxify our own mind of the nonsense, and get to what’s real and true and pure. Because when you get on social media, you’re always going to want to compare yourself to everybody. Right? Everybody is always looking better. And everybody’s a lot more fabulous. And that’s harmful to the soul.

Tamara
Yeah, it is. It is.

Marc David
So anything that helps remind you every day — it’s literally a practice. What are you grateful for? What about your journey are you grateful for? And how do you speak to young Tamara and just love her up? And when the part of you shows up that wants to eat at night — Okay, here’s what’s happening. Here’s what happens. Right now, because you think the problem is food, you’re going to be fearing food. So you’re afraid of food.

Tamara
[inaudible]

Marc David
Yes. So that fear of food — it’s also a fear of my appetite. Because as soon as I’m hungry, that means I want food. So I’m afraid of food. I’m afraid of my appetite. And then I’m afraid of what that food, if I eat it, is going to do to my body. So here we are. So just think about this for a second. If I’m living in fear of food, it’s a bit of a conundrum. Because the way God designed us is, we’re eaters. Everything eats everything else. We eat plants. We eat animals. Everything’s eating something. So we’re eaters. That’s how we’re created. So we can’t go against that. It is painful — it’s painful, to be afraid of food. It’s painful. Now, what do we do when we’re feeling pain and upset and confusion? You reach for food. To feel better. So the very thing that I’m thinking of myself, “It’s the enemy. It’s the enemy. It’s the enemy.” Well, the only thing I know to do, to help deal with my unwanted emotions, is turn to food. So then, you turn to food. And then you really don’t like yourself.

Tamara
Exactly.

Marc David
So we’re looking to shift the fundamental belief that — food is not your problem. Food is not your enemy. Food is actually your solution. Food is the solution to, “I ain’t feeling good.” So food’s actually the solution. It’s not the problem. The problem is, I’ve made food the enemy. Why? Because if I eat food, I’m going to get fat. And fat’s the enemy. I don’t want that enemy. So it’s all connected. So what we have to do is start to let go of — no, food is my friend. And notice — I don’t want you restricting during the day, I don’t want you restricting around food. I want you to be able to eat. And one of the ways you’re going to be able to feel your body, and feel when you’re full, and feel when it’s enough, is by allowing yourself to be an eater. Because it’s our birthright. It’s natural. You eat — the body, at some point, gets satiated. And then we’re done. But because there’s so much fear in the mind — “Oh my God, food’s the enemy. Food’s gonna make me fat. This is really bad if I eat this.” It’s too confusing. And there’s all these conflicting emotions. So I’m trying to not eat food. And then at some point, your hunger takes over. And at some point, we’re so stressed out that you have to eat, to relieve the stress. So at every meal, I would love for you to make the affirmation. And just think, this is how God made you. You’re an eater. We’re not asking you to do something that’s, you know, outside the laws of nature. So I am grateful that I have food on the table, I’m grateful to be an eater because being an eater means I’m alive. And then be present to your food, and enjoy it, and start to love it. This is good. So I know this is easier said than done. But I’m just laying out the roadmap for you — that it’s your job to make friends with food. Because one of the reasons you’re getting up late at night to eat, is because during the day, you’re denying your birthright as an eater. Nighttime is the time when we are most vulnerable and susceptible and open. You know people get in trouble at nighttime. We’re tired, we’re open, we’re vulnerable. So when you’re sleeping, you’re tired, you’re open, you’re vulnerable. And your body is screaming, “Eat. Just be an eater.” And it feels, in that moment, like it’s a problem. What’s really happening is that your body is just trying to balance — your soul is trying to balance this whole equation. So we need to get you to be an eater during the day and being an eater means — “I’m alive on planet Earth. I’m grateful to be here. Every human body needs to eat. I have food on my table. Thank you.” And begin to make food your friend. Because food was your friend when you were younger. I don’t know that it’s your friend anymore right now. Right? So you don’t have a food addiction. You need food. And instead of saying I have a food addiction, it’s “I am learning how to have a good relationship with food and with my body. I’m learning. My relationship with food is a great teacher. Teaching me how to be my best self.”

Tamara
Right. That feels better.

Marc David
Right? Your relationship with food is teaching you how to be your best self, and you’re learning, like everybody else is — learning on their journey. Nothing wrong with you. Nothing to fix. There’s nothing broken. If your child — if she’s two years old and learning how to tie her shoes, she’s not broken. She’s learning. She’s learning how to read? She’s not defective. She’s learning how to read. You’re learning over the years how to better and better be in your body, be with your emotions, and be in a relationship with food that works for you. And that’s not always easy for us. That’s why it’s so hard, because it’s not easy. And you’re learning how to be grateful for how far you’ve come. Because when you bring gratitude into your body, you get more relaxed and you get more satisfied.

Tamara
That’s good. Just kind of soaking it up.

Marc David
I’m glad. I’m really glad for you. And it’s about you learning to really be more gentle with yourself. To give the gift to yourself, that you give to the people you love and care about. You’d be gentle, you’d be accepting. If somebody’s not perfect, you don’t yell at them. You don’t judge them. You love them. You love them into being a better person, not criticize them into being a better person. So you’re not broken. You don’t have a food addiction. You are a human being that’s learning and growing. And your relationship with food and with your body — it’s a great teacher.

Tamara
I’m out of words. I need to hear that.

Marc David
Yeah. Yeah, sometimes we just need to be reminded, you know. That’s what you’re doing when you’re working with other people and helping them in their journey. And in a lot of ways, you’re reminding them of probably what they know deep inside somewhere.

Tamara
Right. Right.

Marc David
Yeah, you deserve some rest from your own self-attack. Because — think about it. All you’re trying to do is get to a place where you feel good about yourself. And you feel, “I’m gonna just really love myself.” So if we want to end up — if we want to be in a destination called, “I feel good about myself. I love myself,” how could beating ourselves up along the way get us to that destination?

Tamara
It won’t. Right.

Marc David
The road has to be filled with what you’re expecting in your destination. So if you want a destination of satisfaction and happiness, and “I love myself,” you gotta spice that in along the way. And anything unlike that — attack, criticism, negative self-talk — we slowly start to let that go. That’s where the Queen in you steps forth.

Tamara
When I finally got there — and it seems like, as soon as I got there — is when I started reverting back. You know, struggling again. And being fearful. You know, just kind of wake up, and all this weight will be here again.

Marc David
Yeah, because you lost the weight. But then, what was left was work to do on self. Which is fine. Weight loss doesn’t solve anything. Necessarily. You know, I’m sure you know people who have the perfect weight or the ideal looks or the ideal body. And they’re not necessarily happy and healthy in body or mind or spirit. So looks doesn’t guarantee us anything. We always got to do the work on ourselves. And so, you lost the weight, which is a tremendous achievement. And now — okay, so now what’s the work? Oh, I got this fear. Okay, how do I let this go? What exactly is this fear? And so we get curious about it. And we understand. And we be compassionate towards it. Yeah, of course, you don’t want to gain the weight back. But you don’t have to be motivated by that fear. What you can be is inspired by your success.

Tamara
I like that.

Marc David
I’m inspired by your success. I’m inspired by what you’ve done, to get to this place. And be a person who’s now helping others with the same challenges you had. Wow.

Tamara
Thank you.

Marc David
What are you going to do after this conversation is over.

Tamara
Probably finish crying. I didn’t want to cry. But I’m just gonna — just constantly remind myself of how far I’ve come, and to give myself the love that I give these people that I work with. And the things I say to them, I really need to swallow for myself. I’m getting rid of the word addiction, because I really don’t like it anyway. The way you talked about that is — will be a lot more helpful, like you said, than this big addiction — “something’s wrong with me.” So I’m gonna spend some time sitting with myself. First thing in the morning, I have a journal that I use. And before I start my day, I’m gonna just try to learn to sit in it, and give myself a little break, you know, from the fear.

Marc David
I love that for you. I love that for you. And really start appreciating your body. And if you don’t know how to do that, just pretend for a moment that little Tamara is right next to you. And how much she would be thrilled and cheering you on. She’d be so happy, to see where she’s going, where she’s going to end up. Because all she wanted was — she just wanted to be loved. She just wanted to feel, “You all love me. And I’m lovable. And I love myself.” Well, now’s as good a time as any.

Tamara
Right. I think I’ve realized the work doesn’t stop.

Marc David
Exactly. Exactly. I don’t think it ever stops.

Tamara
I think I was hoping — okay, I get to what I call my acceptable weight or my goal weight. And I’m like, “Okay, I’m here now.” But the work doesn’t stop. Yeah. I will never arrive. And like you said, it’s still constant work that I have to do. And it’s beyond dropping pounds. And it’s that whole relationship with food. Because it’s so — I mean, I’ve been that way all my life. So why do I expect it to just be something I can change? You know, in a couple years even? You know?

Marc David
Yes. And so much of it, is not so much fixing. You’re not fixing a problem. You’re just learning how to embrace the things you actually want. Because you have them now. You have a body that you would have dreamed about. You got a good relationship. You’ve raised a daughter. You got a man who loves you for who you are, and loves you no matter what. You’re doing your life’s work. You’re helping other people. It’s time to be grateful. And just feel that feeling of — “Wow. I’ve arrived.”

Tamara
That’s exciting. I don’t know why it took you to tell me that. But I feel so much better.

Marc David
I’m so glad. Well, that’s what we do. We remind each other. Might be useful at some point to fill in your husband on some of this conversation, and maybe ask him to remind you, if he sees you forgetting. So have somebody else in your environment that’s reminding you, “Tamara, are you feeling success? Are you feeling grateful? Are you allowing yourself to feel good about who you are and where you’re at and what you’ve accomplished? And what you’ve become?”

Tamara
[sigh] I keep doing that.

Marc David
Yeah, that’s a good thing.

Tamara
Just taking it in.

Marc David
Yeah. That’s how you do it. That’s exactly how you do it.

Tamara
Thank you so much.

Marc David
Thank you so much. I so appreciate this conversation. I so appreciate your — just absolute willingness to be you and be real, and just go to a powerful place.

Tamara
Yeah. I appreciate that. [inaudible] I’ve been watching you for a while. And thinking about getting signed up for one of your programs, so that I can help other people.

Marc David
I think you’d love it. I think it’d be powerful for you. Tamara, thank you so much.

Tamara
Thank you.

Marc David
Good luck to you. And thanks, everybody, for tuning in. Take care, my friends.

Tamara
Thank you