Does Your Body Suffer From Absentee Parent Syndrome? – In Session with Marc David

Marc David
Welcome everybody, I’m Marc David, founder of The Institute for the Psychology of Eating. We are in the Psychology of Eating Podcast. I’m with Maxine today. Welcome Maxine!

Maxine
Hi. Thank you for having me!

Marc David
Glad you’re here! So, for anybody out there who’s new to the Psychology of Eating Podcast, Maxine and I are meeting for the first time, we’re going to do a client session together and see if we can make some good things happen. So Maxine, if you could wave your magic wand, and have whatever you wanted with food and body, what would that be for you?

Maxine
Oh, my goodness. If I could make a wish, it would have me not feeling stress and anxiety when I eat. It would have me just enjoying food. It comes with so much stress for me that if I can make a wish and just enjoy it and be happy and not be concerned about weight and how I look and how I look to others when I’m eating that would be great. We can do that?

Marc David
Yes, okay, let’s see if we can! So, give me a sense. For how long in life, has food been stressful for you?

Maxine
I don’t remember it not being stressful. I can take you way back. So, I came from England to Canada when I was very young, and I have celiac, but we didn’t know that when I was little, so food from very little caused pain, and so I associated pain with it. As I got older, I had a lot of trauma in my life, and I think food was something I could control or not control, and so I would like either be extreme and eat a lot, or go the other way and not eat at all. And it’s been since I was very little. Like, I do not know life with a healthy relationship with food, unfortunately.

Marc David
So have you been trying to lose weight?

Maxine
My whole life? I don’t know life without that either. And it’s interesting, because I’ve listened to you and I feel like you said to somebody at one point, you know, look at yourself right now. You’re never going to be that again. You know, to enjoy now. And I think of all my nows where I should have been enjoying and, I mean, at one point it was 90 pounds and very, I mean, unhealthy. And then, yeah, my weight has fluctuated so much, but I’ve always been hyper focused on it, like just, I need it to be better. I need to be thinner. I always needed to lose weight. As I sit here right now, I’m the biggest I’ve ever been.

Marc David
How much weight do you want to lose?

Maxine
Only 30 pounds.

Marc David
How much?

Maxine
30 pounds…

Marc David
Okay, so have you ever been at the weight that you’ve wanted to be at?

Maxine
Yes, I have.

Marc David
When was the last time?

Maxine
That I weighed what I would like to be now? My goodness, maybe like five years ago.

Marc David
So what happened? You hit that lovely number…

Maxine
Yeah, what happened that I gained or what happened?

Marc David
What happened after you lost it?

Maxine
Oh, I’m never satisfied. It’s never enough…There’s so many things where I hear you in my head. My relationship with my mom it wasn’t the best that we probably both wished it could be. And I think because of her own insecurities, when I was thin, she would call me chubby. And I think that some of that is manifested in me. So I never see myself as I am….

So five years ago, when I was at a weight that I should have been satisfied and happy with, I wasn’t. I’ve never been like, I don’t think I see myself as I am. It’s like, it’s hard to explain. I wish I could look in the mirror and go, my gosh, you look beautiful Maxine and you know, there are sometimes I feel I look better than I did the day before, you know, and maybe put something on, and I feel good. But deep down, I feel big. I feel heavy.

Marc David
So when you lost the weight and got to your magic number, you still didn’t feel okay about yourself?

Maxine
No, because then it’s like, well should I be smaller than that? Should it be less than that? Like, it’s never, I don’t know how to be satisfied with my weight, and I just feel like, I don’t know what’s my ideal for me. I think part of the problem is I’ve been called like I I’m afraid to tell you how much I weigh, but I mean, I’ve been called like by doctor and like by a dietitian, obese. And I was shocked that I fell into that category, and things just stay with you when you’ve had somebody say things like that, and I don’t know. I wish I could just be happy 100% as me and have dinner and feel good eating dinner, and this is where you come in! I need your help.

Marc David
Yes. How old are you now?

Maxine
58, three weeks ago.

Marc David
58, three weeks ago, happy birthday! Are you in relationship? Are you married?

Maxine
I am not. I am single. I would love to be in a healthy relationship, but as it stands right now, it’s just me and the dogs and the bird.

Marc David
Is there an area in your life, where you could say, I pretty much know how to be happy in relationship to this part of my life, relatively happy, relatively satisfied.

Maxine
Is it that I know how to get there, or I know how to be that? Or

Marc David
Yes, both. Either. A part of your life where you could say to yourself, yeah, you know, I can be pretty happy about this part of my life.

Maxine
My children, my kids. Oh my goodness, my kids are my heart, my soul, my everything, my breath. I’ve never been so proud of people in my life as I am of my four children. They are the most amazing people I’ve ever met in my life. And had I not been blessed to have them, I would want to meet them. I would want to know them. They’re so cool. They are great people. So yeah, my kids make me happy absolutely 100%!

Marc David
And I’m just wondering, can you be more specific? So part of it, your kids make you happy. It’s sort of who they are and you look at them and you go, wow, these are amazing people! And some part of you, must go. And they’re my kids!

Maxine
Yes, yes! I feel blessed that raising my children, I feel like I got given a huge blessing, because they just were such easy kids to raise. They were just really kind and loving and just good humans, just great. But they bring so much joy into my life. I’m blessed. You know, they call, they text, they message on a daily basis, and they allow me to be part of their adult lives, but they’re all married, and they invite me in. And it’s a great feeling that makes me happy. Absolutely.

Marc David
How many kids?

Maxine
Four..

Marc David
What’s the mix of girls and boys?

Maxine
Three boys, one girl. They range in age from 28 to 36.

Marc David
Alright, okay. So, how would you describe their weight?

Maxine
Their weight? Yes, I think they’re all beautiful and perfect. I’ve never looked at their weight. I just see great people. But if I had to go and look at them in that aspect, I would say they’re all very fit and healthy.

Marc David
How do you think their relationships with their bodies are? What do you imagine?

Maxine
That’s a good question. Um, I know that I’ve had different occasions were maybe my kids have voiced that they were bigger than they had hoped to be, and that they would like to lose some weight at different times in their lives. Or they’re working on muscle, and, you know, building muscle. And see, I never judge them. I just see my kids, and as long as they’re healthy, I’m happy.

Yeah, I think that some of them have had struggles like myself, probably. I’m just going to say this. I don’t think they saw my struggles as they grew up because I hid, I hid my anxiety that I had, I didn’t have scales in my house. I wasn’t a get-on-my-scales every five minutes kind of gal. I didn’t want my daughter to be witness to that and then possibly suffer like I did, because I’ve had eating disorders in my childhood more than once, and actually in adulthood, too. And so a lot of my stuff has been kind of like my little dark secret that I kept to myself, you know, till they were much older, and then I revealed, I guess.

Marc David
Is your mom still alive?

Maxine
She died last year.

Marc David
I’m sorry for your loss.

Maxine
I’m struggling with that. I’m having a hard time with that. That was sudden, and we hadn’t spoken in four years before she passed and so, yeah, that’s a difficult one for me, and I’ve eaten a lot since then. So I fed that emotion.

Marc David
Which is understandable..How would you characterise your relationship with her?

Maxine
Me, trying really hard to get her to love me and want me in her life and her being in circumstances that didn’t allow her to do that. I was put into a foster care system when I was a child for five years. And our relationship, we both loved each other. I believe that, I want to believe that, I need to believe that. But it wasn’t healthy a lot of the time.

Marc David
So, here’s a couple of things. Yeah, that’s a lot! You know, so often Maxine, for women in particular, I’ve noticed this a woman’s relationship with her body will often track her relationship with her mother. Will often be kind of metaphorically connected to her relationship with her mother. So if the relationship with mother is Whoa, it’s rocky. It’s you’re there, you’re not there. You want me. You don’t want me. I want you to love me. I’m not sure if you love me. Then it makes sense that that’s going to be one’s relationship with one’s own self and one’s own body. Because you’re not sure. I mean, think about it, our mother, that’s the person we come from. Okay, so we had nine months lodging in the womb, and she gave birth to us. And you know, at a core level, we want to make sure I am loved and protected and nurtured and accepted and wanted by my mother. If we don’t feel that way, then we don’t have that sense of self, and it’s easy for that to then get translated onto the body. Well, I’m not sure I want this body. I’m not sure this body is okay. I’m not sure this body is lovable.

Maxine
Yeah, I think that I felt really rejected by her because I couldn’t please her enough for me to feel like she wanted me in her life. And it makes sense what you’re saying. I think there is correlation between that relationship my own view of myself. You know, your mom is supposed to love you. Your mom is supposed to have you up on a pedestal and they gave birth to you like you say, and I didn’t have that. And to have her pass suddenly, with us not resolving everything was hard, and I have been bingeing like just not caring and eating, and I feel like I probably disappointed my children, because I kind of didn’t know how to handle, I didn’t know how to navigate when she passed, because so much was unresolved and I’ve had this unhealthy relationship with food. So it’s like, when something’s really upsetting, I will eat a lot.

And it’s ridiculous, because I don’t even remember sometimes what I ate and how much I ate. And it’s like, did I eat that it’s gone. Now, you know, it’s like, unconsciously, just, I don’t know. So I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to continue this way. My mom is gone. There’s nothing I can do to bring her back, but my heart has to believe that she did love me in some way. You know…

Marc David
I have no doubt that she did. And here’s another lens through which to look at this. It’s just all different ways to look at one’s relationship with food and one’s challenges with food and body. On a certain level, you’re being your mama and your body is you. You’re being your mama to your body, meaning body, I’m not sure. Not sure I want you, not sure if I love you, putting you over here in foster care. I’m not totally embracing you. I’m not totally wrapping myself around you. Kind of here. I’m kind of not here. I kind of love you. I kind of don’t. We’re not so sure…

Maxine
Yeah, that sounds you know, I never thought about that, but I am treating myself as she treated me, because that’s what I had conditioned in me.

Marc David
That’s what you learned. So what I want to suggest moving forward, we’re always learning and growing, it never stops, and part of what inspires us to learn and grow, oftentimes, is discomfort or pain, or I’m have this food issue I don’t want to have, or I have this weight concern I don’t want to have it. So wait a second. How do I resolve it? Oh, what’s it connected to? So what I want to suggest is the work that I think would best suit you to help you get where you want to go.

So you want to be able to just relax with food. Want to be able to not worry about all this nonsense, and really what it is beyond that. Yes, you want to be able to relax with food, but you really want to be able to relax with your body and be able to say body, you and I are good. Love you.

When I asked you about your kids, one of the things you said is, I just love them. I don’t judge them. And that’s an area in your life where you have happiness and a sense of success and a sense of connection. And the key is you just love them and you don’t judge them.

Maxine
Yeah, 100%.

Marc David
So your job from this moment forward, I’m going to suggest is to be a better mother to you than your mother was. Your mother did the best she could, given all her stuff. Who knows her story?

Maxine
It was hard, I do know. She was in a position where she had to make a choice between somebody and myself, and it was unfair that she was put in that position as a mother. And I believe she did her best. I believe she tried. You know, I can’t believe she didn’t. So I believe she tried. And for me, it’s unresolved stuff, now that she’s not here. And for anybody listening, if you have issues with somebody, don’t wait till they’re gone to try and fix things, you know.

Marc David
I so agree. And, the work never stops. And sometimes, in an odd way, there’s certain kinds of work with a parent that’s more doable when they’ve passed, when they’re gone. But regardless, here we are now, and I’m suggesting that,

Given your mother’s life and her circumstances, she did the best she could, so now you’re taking over. See what’s challenging for you is that there’s a part of us. So when I’m unresolved with a parent, with my mother, with my father, if I’m unresolved for whatever reason, then there’s a part of me that still lives in their house. There’s a part of me where I’m still their child, so to speak, and I’m still that person who’s like, Well, wait a second, do you love me? Do you not love me? You put me over here. That means you don’t love me. But I have to believe you do. But I’m uncertain, and in that uncertainty, of course, you’re going to reach for food, for goodness sakes, you know, that’s what all humans do. That’s what any child does. That’s what every infant knows. Feel bad. Eat food, feel better.

So you don’t have a food problem. Okay, this is, this is all creatures, your bird, your dog, your cat, feel bad, eat food, feel better. Every organism, they feel better when they eat food. Every human being, we feel better when we eat food.

So you turning to food is your best way that, that you know how that the child in you, the best way that the child in you knows how to knows how to feel good. Have some sugar. Have some anything. It doesn’t matter almost what it is.

Maxine
That’s exactly right! It doesn’t, it doesn’t matter what it is. I just feed it. I feed the emotion.

Marc David
It’s primal. It’s primal because that’s the hurt itself. That’s primal, the confusion of like, am I loved? Am I safe? Am I okay?

So you did not as a growing child, you did not get the message, I am loved and I am safe and I’m protected and I’m nurtured and I’m totally grounded. I’m I’m good, I’m held. So you didn’t get that.

Maxine
I didn’t get any of that. No.

Marc David
So it makes perfect sense. So I’m just trying to explain why it would make perfect sense that your relationship with your body would be rocky, would be wobbly, because your relationship with your own existence wasn’t given a good start. You didn’t feel safe.

So we continue that theme, we continue that frequency, we continue that energy of Oh, even into adulthood, I’m not safe. This body is not safe. And in fact, I’m going to continue to prove what I learned from a young age. What I learned from a young age is I’m not okay, I’m not acceptable, I’m not certain that I’m loved.

Maxine
I’ve carried on exactly what she did.

Marc David
Yes, because you don’t approve of your body.

Maxine
That’s my internal dialogue, what you’re saying is my internal dialogue!

Marc David
Exactly. So you’ve just taken that dialogue that you learned as a child and now you’ve up levelled that same conversation as an adult, because that’s what we do. That’s what we know to do, until we go, huh? Time out. I don’t like this. This doesn’t work. I need to love my body. I need to have a better relationship with my body. Something’s not right here. And then we start to excavate a little bit, and we dive a little bit deeper. So that’s what you’re doing.

And you no longer live in your mother’s house, so she’s no longer your mother, even though she will always be your mother, you’re always going to be her daughter. So let’s acknowledge that she’ll always be your mother, you’ll always be her daughter. And, you’re Maxine. You’re a woman. You’re your own person, and part of the healing to heal your relationship with your body and with food is to once again, be a good mother to yourself. You know exactly how to be a good mother, because you told me you do, and you told me exactly what you need to do to be a good mother, which is you love your children and you don’t judge them, and then you turn out great kids.

Maxine
Really good kids. I did good in the kids department!

Marc David
Yes, yes, because you love them and you didn’t judge them.

Maxine
Absolutely.

Marc David
So, this is the strategy that I would love to see you begin to employ with you, which means you have to start witnessing yourself. You have to start watching yourself when you go into the internal conversation called this body’s no good.

Maxine
Yeah, I think, you know, I’ve had like, 58 years of probably internal, negative talk amongst myself, you know, because, like you say, I didn’t receive the love and the nurturing and the, I guess, positive affirmations from who I needed to in order to go and be more. I mean, I have moments of confidence, but it doesn’t last long, because I usually over, you know, somewhere inside me, I’ll be like, Oh yeah, I look okay, but there’s always a but, and I need to get rid of the butt. I need to stop with tearing myself down. And you know, my daughter has brought that to my attention. She’ll be she’ll stop me mid sentence ago, what did you just say? And I’m like, what? And she’ll be like, What did you just say? And I don’t even know, what did I just say it, or I’ll remember, and I’ll be like, oh gosh, yeah, well, I was just being silly. And she’s like, No, don’t play with those words. You’re better than that. You’re beautiful. Mom, you’re strong, Mom. And gosh, my kids have taught me a lot, but it’s hard because I I never saw it until you’ve brought it to my attention like this, that this was a lifetime of almost conditioning for me, and now I have to go and I don’t, there’s a word for that. You know, when you go and you have to take it all and there’s a word for I can’t think of what it is, but yes, I need to go and change that internal dialogue.

Marc David
Your’re going to change it, you’re going to reimagine it. You’re going to Feng Shui it. You’re going to massage it.

Maxine
I’m going to Feng Shui it. Haha!

Marc David
Yes, you’ll make it all nice and better.

Maxine
Yes, I want to! I feel like I’ve had enough and I don’t want to have had enough, so much that I give up. You know, I think I’ve had moments of that since my mom passed. And I also had my senior dog passed away a few months ago. I had a lot, and I feel like parts of me started to break down and just it got harder to feel good. And, you know, I was introduced to your podcast, which I think everyone I’ve listened to, I went, Oh, you know, I had a relatable moment, and being allowed this time with you is a gift, and I’m so thankful, because I just haven’t known how to get from feeling so down and so defeated to feeling better. I just didn’t know how to get there, you know, and I but

I didn’t realise I was carrying that. I didn’t realise that my mom’s interactions with me and what I didn’t get from that relationship played such a huge role. Like, I didn’t know that until these moments with you.

Marc David
It’s huge and perfect timing, like really, really perfect timing, it’s always the right timing. And as you start to watch yourself and your inner dialogue and witness it, the rule of thumb is don’t say it to yourself if you wouldn’t say it to your child.

Maxine
Oh, my goodness, that’s huge, because I definitely wouldn’t talk to my kids the way I talk to myself!

Marc David
So don’t say it to yourself. If you wouldn’t say it to your child, that’s your measuring stick, which means you’re being the thing you know how to do, which is you know how to be a good mother, but you’re taking that good mother energy and you’re gifting it to yourself, because you didn’t get that. And you’re of the age, you know, I I like to make the distinction between the princess archetype and the Queen archetype. You know, the princess archetype is the archetype, it’s the persona, it’s the personality that a woman will be in at a younger age. So there’s young princess, there’s middle Princess, there’s late Princess. By the time a woman hits 40, I like to say she’s a queen in training. By the time she hits 50, she’s of Queen’s age. Now take away like some of the pejorative things that we associate with the word princess, and if we’re just looking at it as a pure archetype, the princess, when a female is young, the princess needs approval from the outside. It needs to know you love me. You approve of me. Look at me. I’m beautiful. Tell me, I’m beautiful. So in order for confidence to build, in order for a healthy ego to form, the princess archetype needs to get from the outside. It needs outside confirmation.

Look at my body, look at how I move, look at how I dance, look at how pretty this is. Now, once we hit Queen’s age we don’t need outside approval. The Queen, a good queen, doesn’t sit on her throne and say, Do I look good in this? Is this okay? Do you all approve of my body? A good queen has command of herself. A good Queen rules her queendom with love. She’s benevolent. She’s giving. She doesn’t question who she is. Yeah, she might have a few wrinkles, yeah, she might have a few grey hairs, but you know what?

Maxine
I earned it!

Marc David
She understands the circle of life. She understands that this is the phase that she’s in, and her value is not given exclusively in her looks, but her value is in who she is. Her value is in her heart. Her value is in what she brings to the world. So you’re in the Queen stage of life, and your task is to claim your queenhood. To sit on your throne as a woman, not as the princess who like, wait a second, do y’all all love me? Is his body good enough? I lost a few pounds. I should be looking better. Like, no, we love you for who you are. Nobody in your life, I’m going to bet, nobody who cares about you need you to lose weight.

Maxine
Oh, my goodness, you are incredible. First of all, you are very intelligent man, but you’re absolutely right. I mean, my life is my kids, and they have never once looked at mom and said anything other than kind things. And I don’t believe any of them have ever looked at me and looked at my weight. It’s me. This is all me. Yeah, this is all me. And I’ve been beating myself up for a long time.

Marc David
Because that’s how you were taught. That’s how you were conditioned. By the way the world conditions us, and it especially conditions young people, and especially young women, to look a certain way. So you didn’t invent this problem. It exists all over the planet right now. However, even though you didn’t invent it, because it finds a home in us. These toxic beliefs. I need to look different in order to be lovable. I need to weigh different in order to approve of myself. That’s a toxic belief that’s just not true.And that’s what will bring you peace, is to begin to let go of that belief.

So part of it, also, I want to suggest, is take a number of months for yourself and let go of dieting.

Maxine
Oh, you know, I don’t even know how to do that. That’s interesting, because that’s a hard one, I scrutinise everything I put in my mouth, everything. I don’t even know what’s okay and what’s not okay.

Marc David
So, use your intuition, because you’re right. You don’t know, but you have an idea. You have some idea of what’s tasty to you. You have some idea of what’s healthy for you, you have some notions of foods that you shouldn’t be eating all the time at every meal So it’s learning to be an eater for the first time, like you’ve been, you’ve been trying to teach yourself, in a weird way, how not to eat.

Maxine
Yes, exactly, exactly!

Marc David
And your pets, they’re not walking around thinking, Oh, my God, should I eat this? Should I eat that? What does she think of me? I ate too much of this. They don’t care. There’s a naturalness to them. You have that naturalness inside you. It’s just needs to have a little bit of air. It needs to have some practice. She needs to be let out a bit and just let go of and I know this is easier said than done.

Maxine
It’s hard, like, how do you trust yourself then? Because, see, I’m listening to you, and I’m already thinking about my dinner now, and I’m thinking, Well, what if I take that mindset and I eat too much and then I start gaining weight. Like I don’t know how to get out of that brain.

Marc David
Yeah. So you ask the question, how do you trust yourself?

Maxine
Yes!

Marc David
Okay, I think you trust yourself by knowing that even if you make a mistake, you don’t beat yourself up. How do you trust yourself being a parent? How did you trust yourself raising kids? What did you do? You did the best you could.

Maxine
I did the opposite of what I saw. I did. I did the exact opposite of what I went through. I made sure that my kids never went to bed without being told they were loved. I made sure that every time they spoke, I heard them, they had a voice.

Marc David
So they felt love and they developed a sense of trust, because you affirmed to them that I’m here. I’ve got you. I love you.

So this is how you trust yourself. You affirm you know something. You’re 58, years old. You’ve eaten a lot of meals in your life, and here you are. You’re okay. You never did like, oh my god, I ate this one meal and it ruined me for the rest of my life. It screwed up everything you know. My hair fell out. I lost all my money.

Maxine
Oh, my goodness no. Yeah, that hasn’t happened. Thank goodness no.

Marc David
So, there’s nothing terrible that’s going to happen. You’ve eaten before and you’ve eaten too much. You’ve eaten before and you eat not enough. So the difference is you’re trusting that you know, I got you. You have yourself, you’re standing by you, and you don’t quite know how to do this. It’s a little scary, but because you love you, and you’re not going to abandon you, and you’re not going to start judging yourself. If you ate too much, then you’re safe to make a mistake.

Maxine
It sounds rational and it sounds correct as I listen to you. I think it’s something that I am going to have to be repetitive with myself and maybe even, like, do some writing on a poster of positive affirmations and put it by the fridge maybe, you know. Just like I am okay, and it’s okay, just enjoy your food. I think we I feel like you said in a podcast. Maybe I’m going to say this wrong, so I apologise but something about natural eating. Like where you just naturally, just enjoy, and I listened to that, and I thought, Gosh, how do you do that? But I’m listening to now, and I think I have to take all the the words, the self talk away from a meal, and just be present in my moment and eat my food.

Marc David
Yes, and it’s a practice. You’ll be scared, you’ll be confused, because you haven’t done this before. This is the first time, perhaps, that you are looking at food since maybe very early childhood, since before you could remember, there was a point at which you just ate and you weren’t worried about your weight, and you weren’t worried about your body, and you weren’t worried about somebody calling you fat, and you weren’t judging yourself. You just you ate and it was okay, and food was wonderful.

Maxine
I have no memory of that sad. I have, like, I have absolutely no memory. I have memories of not wanting to eat in front of people, you know, just not wanting them to see me.

Marc David
So you’re learning to reclaim your naturalness. So it’s a learning process. So it’s it takes time, and it takes practice, and it just takes a willingness for you to fumble around a little bit. And there will be moments where this is hard, and there will be moments where, wow, this feels really good, because when you eat dinner tonight, there’s nobody in this universe who’s judging you. There’s nobody in this universe who’s sitting and thinking, I don’t love her or like her because she ate this or didn’t eat that. There’s nobody judging your body. Nobody. Just you!

Maxine
Yeah, it’s always been me for a long time, I just didn’t know how to. It’s a pattern of repetitive habit because of what I was exposed to, and I just didn’t know how to break it, you know.

Marc David
So, remember that you’re invoking the mother in you whenever you’re not sure what to do. Imagine you’re being the amazing mother that you are to one of your children. Imagine that the amazing mother that you are loves her children and doesn’t judge her children and encourages them and makes sure that your children know you are loved. You are safe with me. So whenever you’re not sure what to do, that’s the personality, the archetype that I want you to jump into. Maxine, the good mother. Maxine, the amazing mother, and you mother yourself.

Maxine
I can do that. I can do that. I think it’ll take some time, because there’s like a footprint of habit here. That’s why I am in this position. But I I can do that. I can do that.

Marc David
You really can. And you know, in a strange way, this is, this is a great gift you can give to your actual mother, which is for you to step into your womanhood. Because when we don’t step out of our mother’s house, then we’re still a part of us still remains a child, and you’re just saying to her, you’re saying to life, you’re saying to yourself, I’m claiming the woman that I am. And I’m claiming my queenhood, where I can sit on my throne and I’m good enough as who I am.

Maxine
And I’m letting go of the child.

Marc David
Yes, I’m letting go of the child, the girl in me that needs approval, because I weigh this or I don’t weigh that. So it’s learning how to start also looking in the mirror and throwing some love your way.

Maxine
That’s hard. But you know what? I’m ready. I’m doing it for me. I’m doing it for my kids. I want my kids to see a happy mom. I want them to see I want them to see that change, because I know that it’s affected them. And I’ve known some of this, a little bit of them I’ve known like that. I’ve carried this child version of me everywhere I’ve gone hoping for some kind of, you know, love and acceptance and things I was never going to get. And when my mom died, I needed to let go of the fantasy of what I had always wanted her to be, that she was not able to be. But you know, her looking from the other side. I believe in my heart that she would want me to be the best version of myself, and maybe she couldn’t help me be that. But maybe everything in this world happens for a reason. You sitting here, sharing this with me is happening for a huge reason, and I got lots of homework. I do, and you know what? I’m excited for it, because it’s just been exhausting to carry this my whole life. And it’s a lot. It’s heavy. It’s been a weight, and I want to let the weight go when I when we finish talking today, I’m going to have a good cry, by the way, and get that out of the way.

Marc David
Good for you!

Maxine
I’m going to just let go. Let go. It’s too exhausting to keep carrying it.

Marc David
It’s so is! You’re so right on. It’s a burden and it’s weighty, like, that’s the real weight, that’s the heaviness.

Maxine
That is, the weight! And I wanted so much to have her love, and I just when she passed, it was just like, all these years of trying and trying and trying, it was like, then she was gone, and I felt lost without her, even though she wasn’t in my life for four years. I felt lost and enough already. I am here, and I need to get my you know what together and step it up and be kind to me now.

Marc David
Yes, and we’re understanding that that child in you that still lives on, you know, you and I are always going to have the kid in us, and that kid in us, the child in us, it’s a beautiful part. It’s the part of us that’s innocent. It’s a part of us that’s sweet. It’s the part of us that just like loves, and it’s the part of us that’s exuberant and it’s happy and that’s very child like. So it’s a beautiful part of us. And when the child still has a boo boo, when it’s still hurting, it can take over, and it can sit at the head of the table, and it can run a lot of the show. So when it comes to food and body, for you, that child tends to have the loudest voice, it takes control and it’s running the show, and it runs its beliefs like, I’m not lovable as I am. This is not good enough. I still need my mother’s love, even though I’m 30 or 40 or 50 or 60 and so now it’s time to go, oh, okay, that child is still a child, and she doesn’t have. Children are very brilliant observers, but they’re not good interpreters. So as a child, you observe wait a second, I’m not feeling the love I need. But then we interpret that as, oh, that means I’m unlovable, or that means there’s something wrong with me. So we’re letting go of you’re letting go of interpretations that the child’s mind made, that you’ve brought into adulthood, that we all do this. You don’t have to look any different to be lovable to the people that love you?

Maxine
It’s been a lifelong struggle. A long road.

Marc David
Now I’m going to tell you, when it comes to men, you know, it’s men don’t care! Like if a man is interested in you, if a man loves you, he loves you, and if he doesn’t, he doesn’t, men are not going to be looking at women’s bodies the same way women look at their own bodies. I’ve noticed this 1000 times. Oftentimes women could be way more critical about their own body and come to the conclusion, if this body doesn’t shift, I’m not lovable.

Maxine
Yeah, because I am single. I’ve been single a while, and I think that I’ve had some unhealthy relationships, and they were usually abusive, like a few of them have been really rough. And I think that it was because of what I equated with love, from what I saw as a child. And so I since sought some help on breaking that cycle. But it’s interesting, because as somebody that’s 58 that would like to have someone in her life, I have wondered if a man would look at me and, you know, be like, Jeez, you know, not what I’m looking for physically, or whatever. And are they all looking for 100 pound women? I don’t know. So it’s interesting you say that.

Marc David
I think it’s important. You know, anytime you go out and about, look at humans. Look at men and women who are in relationship. Look at couples. You will see people of all sizes and all shapes hanging out together.

It’s this strange imprint that we have in our mind that you know we have to look a certain way in order to have love. And yeah, there are going to be certain people you look at and you’re not that attracted to them and vice versa. But you don’t need a million men to be attracted to you, you just need one.

Maxine
One good one.

Marc David
One good one. That’s all!

Maxine
Yeah, and when the time is right, you’ll find me. I’ll find him.

Marc David
But this is where you start. You start by re-parenting yourself, re-mothering yourself, being a good mother to you, invoking that good mother. You know how to be a good mother. Loving, non judgmental, and you show that with your words, and you show that with your energy and your actions. So that’s what you’re going to practice doing with yourself.

Maxine
And I’m excited, actually, I’m excited to let a lot of stuff go. I feel like, in this conversation, actually, I feel like I’ve had some weight lifted.

Marc David
Yay!

Maxine
I feel like, sorry, but nose is running. I feel like I’ve been given permission to let it go, and I have never had that. I feel like I’ve just carried and carried and carried like this weight of not being enough, and it’s nice to know that I can be enough just the way I am.

Marc David
Yes, yes, you are enough just the way you are, That’s your new mantra.

Maxine
Get it on the t shirt! Oh my goodness. Thank you. Thank you.

Marc David
Thank you. Maxine, what a great conversation. We covered some great turf here.

Maxine
It’s been some good stuff, yes, and I think stuff I needed to hear that I hadn’t heard before.

Marc David
I’m so glad. I’m so glad we got to do this. I’m grateful. I appreciate just your openness and your willingness and God bless. I think it’s going to be a great journey for you from here on in.

Maxine
Thank you so much. Thank you for your time. Thank you.

Marc David
Thanks Maxine, and thanks everybody for tuning in.