When Body Insecurities Cause Us to Date the Wrong People  – In Session with Marc David

When Body Insecurities Cause Us to Date the Wrong People  – In Session with Marc David

Marc David
Welcome, everybody, Marc David here, founder of the Institute for the Psychology of Eating. We’re in The Psychology of Eating Podcast. I’m with Barbara today. Welcome, Barbara!

Barbara
Hi Marc!

Marc David
I’m so happy you’re here. I’m so happy we’re doing this. For anybody tuning in for the first time to the podcast Barbara and I, this is our first time meeting. And we get to have a session together and see if we can make some good things happen. So Barbara, if you could wave your magic wand, get whatever you wanted with food and body, what would that be for you?

Barbara
Yeah, I took some time thinking about this. I want to be brave enough to venture out, and healthy enough to travel and hike and see the world safely. That is my next like yeah, I got to break through some walls to get there, though.

Marc David
Wow! So that sounds really exciting.

Barbara
I’m very excited about it!

Marc David
So, what holds you back?

Barbara
Fear. I’ve lived through quite a few things and I’ve done a lot of therapy about them and I’ve read a library of books about how to lose weight and your podcasts have really helped me get to the point that that’s not really my goal. My goal is not to lose weight. That will come when I get to do the things that I want to do. I’ve read your books, Nourishing Wisdom, The Slow Down Diet and how pleasure in my life and joy in my life brings those things that those things don’t come first. I get your whole philosophy of things, and I am so excited. You could probably tell. But I just kind of decided I need to leave those things in the past about fear because I was assaulted on a date and I’ve even sort of faced dating.

I went on an app and because I always thought I’d have to be the right weight to meet a person or meet my soulmate. And like the right weight for whom you know? I mean, everyone has different shapes and sizes that they like and prefer and I prefer larger men so what am I doing to myself? I’m denying myself love because I think I’m not the right thing. What if I’m the right thing right now for somebody? And so, I feel I’m in a such a great place. I’m turning 60 this year and I get a do over! But there is still this fear that I’m holding on to and I’m trying to work through that spiritually and coming into my queendom like you say and I’m doing A Course in Miracles, I’m doing Eckhart Tolle. There’s Sark which does really great, succulent women book. I love that! I love to nourish myself, I love that whole concept but I’m still at this wall. And I have all this great information, but I still don’t have the answer.

Marc David
So, what do you think the biggest fear is that gets in your way?

Barbara
Probably the biggest fear still is getting assaulted again. I mean, it was horrific and it took months to recover physically and the shame involved in it when it happened too. It was my first time and just like telling my parents that happened you know, and I think that hole doesn’t go away. You know, I just have to reframe it, I just love the whole concept of reframing. People are telling me to carry a gun but I’m not a gun person and I don’t feel safe around guns. I don’t want to carry a gun. And, I’ve gone to some trade shows looking for my vehicle, I’ve tried to really throw myself into the situation so I could just embrace it and get a community and feel safer. And I was hit on by the salesman, and it just scared me even more. Like maybe this isn’t the right way to do this.

Marc David
So, how long ago was this assault?

Barbara
It was in college. I was 21. So, I had decided that I was going to marry the person that I loved and that was it. And I suppose it was Cinderella-ish but I just decided it meant something and my boyfriend decided it was his. So.

Marc David
So you’ve been married?

Barbara
I have been married, I have two children. And there was an abusive marriage, of course. Because I came from abuse. So I mean, it’s just like, one after the other and I feel like the only way to get past it is to dive into it. So I’ve done a lot of therapy about it like what do I do? I am a part of these relationships so what do I do to join into these relationships? Like family of origin you can’t really fix but past that you can get past it. And I’ve had other relationships but it’s always the same type of guy that like what I stand for, and then they like to just stumble over it.

Marc David
When was the last time you were in a relationship?

Barbara
I was in a relationship, it was probably 2007 that was a serious committed. And I don’t know that he was committed, actually, at this point I think there was somebody else in that relationship. Yeah, I’ve had a hard time. I’ve had a lot of moving sense and taking care of parents and stuff that just didn’t really fit in so it’s been a while.

Marc David
Does your weight stop you at all in terms of dating? In terms of feeling like you can get out there?

Barbara
No, I’ve been really proud of myself. I cleaned out my closet just recently, and I quit my job because I decided, I wasn’t happy. I was dreading every day I got up and I said, You know what? You don’t have to dread every day. You can live on a budget really well. Just enjoy your life, you know. And so I did that. And I cleaned out my closet and got rid of these security blanket clothes and I said “what fits me now?” And just be that! And I found a lot of good things in there and I’ve been going on dates, and they’ve been really not good. But I’m just proud of myself for getting out there.

Marc David
Good for you! Where do you live?

Barbara
I live in Oregon.

Marc David
And when you go out on dates, are you finding potential dates online or through friends?

Barbara
Yes, through an app. And we talk first and you know, we both kind of screen each other and then….

Marc David
Well, good for you for putting yourself out there!

Barbara
Thank you. It’s scary!

Marc David
Yes. How old are your kids?

Barbara
I have a 28 year old and a 26 year old son. They are both sons. They’re both through college.

Marc David
Do they ever give you dating advice?

Barbara
Yes! All the time.

Marc David
If you can give me one message that they both say in common what would it be? One message that they tend to deliver to you most commonly.

Drive yourself. Don’t get picked up.

So they want to protect you?

Barbara
Yes, they’re very protective of me. They tend to think I’m gullible and I don’t think I’m gullible, I just prefer to see the good in people instead of focus on, you know?

Marc David
You have an innocence to you! You have a certain kind of innocence, you have a certain kind of childlike quality, you don’t present necessarily as a 60 year old in terms of your looks and your affect. You don’t feel old, you feel young and that’s a great thing. And you know, sometimes there’s a part of us that hangs out at a certain age. So, if you have a family of origin experience that had abuse in it, or if you had an experience of abuse, then it’s easy for a part of us to hang out at that age. Meaning you’re you, you’re 60 year old Barbara, and you’re a woman, you’re a mom, and you’ve made it through life. So there’s that part of you, and there’s also the part of you that’s kind of a girl when it comes to men. Part of you is a woman and part of you is a girl. That’s how I tend to look at it, okay?

Chances are when we find ourselves choosing the same kind of person or attracting the same kind of person it’s because there’s a person in us, a different voice, a different archetype, a different part of our experience, a certain age of us, that’s kind of doing the looking and doing the dating, and doing the relating. So I would be interested for you in when you’re thinking about dating, because you’re right, you’ve done a lot of work on yourself. And at some point, you gotta go, okay, I don’t know that you need to do a lot of work on yourself, per se.

Books are great, courses are great, programs – it’s all great. And I’m going to guess you know enough to be out there in the mix. And part of it, I think it would be an interesting exercise to ask the woman in you, ask the adult in you, ask the Queen in you. What she requires in a man?

I could do a list with these things, you know, what are the absolute must haves that a potential partner for you has to have? Like he’s got to have this if he doesn’t have it – deal breaker. What are the kinds of things that if this human being has this trait or this quality, it’s a deal breaker. So what are the must haves? What are the deal breakers? That’s two separate lists. And the third list is what are the nice to haves. Doesn’t have to have that. But it’d be nice.

Barbara
Yep, I did that with my counselor. And so I journal all the time. And so I have done this. And that actually is my very last date, which was very scary. I went with a man for dinner. I had suggested we just go for coffee or something but he wanted to go to dinner. We’d spoken on the phone and it seemed to go really well. And the only deal breaker was he did a couple sort of off color jokes and on the phone. I just called him out on them. I don’t feel comfortable with those jokes. I’m not calling you racist for saying that but I’m not comfortable with that and I don’t feel that way. I felt like I was very mature about it and I went ahead and went to dinner and then we started talking about things and he was actually kind of making fun of me being religious and doing work on myself. And that’s a repeat from past relationships and sort of shocked at my intelligence and said, you seem sciency but you still have these childish beliefs. And I was like, okay. I just paused and then he said, you seem offended or something and I said, Yeah, well, I’m still kind of not over the comments on the phone the other day with that were off color. So I’ll just try to be kind about it. And so he just said, get out. And I said, What? And I offered to pay for my dinner? And he said, No, just leave. I was like, wow!

Marc David
Well, here’s the thing. I think he did you a favor!

Barbara
Yeah!

Marc David
But let me tell you what I think the favor is. So I’m putting on my dating coach hat for you right now. So if I’m your dating coach, if I’m your older brother, telling you here’s my opinion on dating. I really want to see you follow your intuition, number one. And number two, I would love to see you have hard, strong boundaries.

Barbara
Yes.

Marc David
So opinion, your intuition was telling you NO about this guy when you’re on the phone, because he said some things that are not a consciousness match for. If a man is not a consciousness match for you cross them off the list immediately. If you want to go to coffee, and he wants to go to dinner and he doesn’t swing your way, and say, yep, okay, that’s gonna make you feel better we’re going to coffee, if he can’t do that – done!

You don’t owe anybody anything. You don’t owe anybody a chance. What I think you’re learning is to be really clear and to have really strong boundaries, and to trust your intuition and to be willing to just say “no” right off the bat. So in the future if there’s a red flag that comes up, the red flag that came up on the phone was two red flags: off color jokes, means he’s not a consciousness match for you. If he’s not a consciousness match for you, great! Thank you! You just helped save me from a bad evening. The other piece of information he gave you once again, was, you said, I want to go for coffee. So there should be no argument there. I prefer to go to coffee. So if he doesn’t bow to that, that’s not your guy. He’s not respecting you right from the beginning. You wish to be respected. You wish to feel safe? How do you feel safe? You feel safe, because you know, somebody is listening for what you want they’re tracking you. And if he’s a worthy man for you he’s going to be a gentleman.

Barbara
Right!

Marc David
They are going to treat you like a woman. Which is, this is what is going to make you feel safe? Great! I get it.

Barbara
A friend of mine gave me advice to do three “no’s” before you ever meet them. Just hard no’s to something and don’t apologize, just say affirmatively no to three things and count them and be aware of their response. And then you can meet them if that has gone safely.

Marc David
I think that’s interesting. And you’re giving the person a chance to show up and to and make sure they’re reasonable no’s. You know, just think reasonable. Right?

Barbara
Well, the coffee thing like you’re saying…

Marc David
Yes, that’s completely reasonable. Absolutely reasonable! So you don’t owe anybody any explanation. You don’t owe anybody an apology. You can walk out on a date in the middle of the day. That’s where I think he did you a favor by showing you. So he hit his limits and you really hit your limit before you even went on a date with him. You just didn’t notice it.

Barbara
Yeah…

Marc David
So I think it’s almost less about physical protection at this point. I think it’s emotional protection, it’s psychic protection, it’s spiritual protection. You are being aware of what those boundaries are. So yeah, you know what your physical boundaries are?

Barbara
Yeah!

Marc David
Don’t hit. Don’t touch. Unless I say it’s okay. So that’s really clear. Now you just have to be clear about your other boundaries and have hard boundaries. And those boundaries come from your requirements. So you have to be clear that you have requirements. What I’m suggesting to you is a key requirement is somebody needs to be a consciousness match for you. You need to feel I think this person is kind of an equal. How do you tell? Well, you’re in conversation and you’re listening, and you’re picking up cues.

As soon as there’s a caution light I almost want to say – say no. Be willing to nip it in the bud and trust in an abundant universe. There’s a lot of men, there’s a lot of women, there’s a lot of people. There’s a lot of people who are looking for relationship so there’s tons of opportunities. So it’s you practicing – hard no. Like, no, we’re not going to do this. No, we’re not going to get together.

Barbara
I think this is the perfect thing for me to go through. Before I would travel because I am out there on my own. And that’s the goal is to be on my own, and feel safe in the world. And I think that actually will bring what’s coming next. So this is like, practice trying on basically trying on clothes for my next adventure, which will will include someone. Because I do feel like I I deserve that. I deserve finding happiness.

This really is my practice, so I can be safe and it’s not dangerous.

Marc David
It’s respecting your own boundaries first and foremost. It’s you being you being aware of where… like “no” is one of the greatest words. It’s so protective, it’s so clear and it’s not the job of the person you’re with, to necessarily understand your boundaries. Because if somebody’s not a consciousness match for you, if they are not elevated in the way you are, and they don’t see the world in the way you do, if they have a moral and ethical compass that doesn’t keep up with yours then you cross them off the list immediately. You don’t waste a moment. You don’t waste any of your time.

So it’s getting in touch with the masculine side of you. The protector in you, the warrioress in you, the adult in you who’s just very clear. That’s not okay. And to use your intuition, as well.

You’re right there. You’re really so close. And it sounds like you’ve done a lot of work on yourself to get to this place. And you’re excited.

Barbara
I am! I’m determined that I’m going to get what I want.

And I know that it means that I have to face my fears. And, I mean, life isn’t about fears, and fearful of what I’m going to eat next is also you know, like, why? Like, I’m learning to really trust. When I was reading your book: Nourishing Wisdom. I just love the parts where you talk about “Okay, you’re craving chocolate, okay, just have it then!” What about your intuition are you denying? Your body is telling you something, and you are choosing to ignore it? And I just felt like, and I did! I went and I had chocolate and I was like, and now I don’t even want it! And I did, I had a lot of chocolate, but then yeah, I can take it or leave it now. Haha. I got to that point where I was just like, Well, that was really fun. Having that experience and not holding back. And then I’m okay, now, I don’t have it hanging over me, you know? And I understood more by just allowing that to happen and come up in me and say, what’s the worst that would happen? You know, it’s not like…

Marc David
Well, you decided to trust yourself, you decided to trust your body, you decided to trust your life. Trust, that I can eat something that looks like it might be on the bad list. This is no good for me, it’s going to do something horrible to me and just trust and part of the trust is really trusting in ourselves that even if you eat a cake, and you end up eating a whole cake. Trust that you’ll recover. Trust that you’ll stand by yourself, trust that you’re not going to beat yourself up

It’s all about learning to stand by ourselves. You know, trust begins with just being able to trust my own body, trust my own experience, trust how I’m built. We’re built for pleasure. And we’re taught to be afraid of it, and we want it, but we’re afraid of it. And when we can’t trust our own pleasure, we are very insecure. And we’re not living life to our fullest. And we can’t really play and we can’t really experience and we can’t really explore.

So it sounds like trust is a lesson Trust is a lesson for all of us. Everybody’s been in some way shape or form disappointed, or abused or hurt, or traumatized or something happened and we conclude I can trust “fill in the blank” men, women, people, just whatever it is. And the beauty is there are a lot of good people in the world. There’s a lot of good humans in the world. And we each have a fascinating journey I think and part of your journey is being with yourself so you can live in trust and learning how to protect yourself. And protecting yourself. So many ways to do that but at your age, at Queen’s age, no wasting time. No wasting time with people who don’t measure up. Especially when you’re dating. Because you don’t have time. You don’t have time to waste. A Queen doesn’t like her time wasted.

A queen wants quality experiences, wants to hang around quality people that match her. So if somebody clearly doesn’t match you cross them off the list immediately.

Barbara
Be gone with you! Haha.

Marc David
Yes! The queendom! Yes. No explaining necessary, no arguments necessary. You don’t have to justify it, you can have a bad feeling about somebody and they haven’t done anything wrong and still choose to say no, I’m not going to do this. I’m not going to go out on a date with you, or I’m leaving in the middle of this date.

Barbara
Right!

Marc David
And you don’t have to explain. Literally, you don’t owe that to anybody if it’s in the service of protecting the queen. So it’s sort of like for the queen being able to pull out a little sword when she needs it.

Barbara
Sure, yep!

Marc David
It is the sword of your consciousness.

Barbara
I have a fascination, I’m Danish, that I was a Viking. And so I am a Viking! I have this new fascination with finding that power in me.

Marc David
I love that! That’s a great archetype to play with.

Barbara
Because I’m very strong, physically and I’m very strong emotionally. I mean, no one could have lived through what I’ve lived through and not be strong. But what I need to learn is how to play again. And I think that that part of me, because of all this stuff has kind of shut down. And the play and the intuition need to come together. I can play like a grown up, I don’t have to be a child to play but I have to play again. Everything has been so serious for so long, that this new dating thing is like, you know, I giggle and stuff, and then that’s bringing back the child which has to come forth. But I also have to bring that intuition in together. Not as a guard, but just to rule the outcome.

Marc David
Yes. So it’s not leading with your innocent child, as you approach a date or as you approach a potential relationship, or as you approach the possibility of a date, you’re not leading with your innocent child. Oh, my God, it’s so much fun. Like, sure, that part’s gonna crop up. Absolutely. It’s sweet. But you’re not leading with that you’re leading with your queen, you’re leading with your adult, you’re leading with your clear mind and you’re allowing the Queen to sit in the chair and yeah, you can bring out the kid in you when you’re clear she’s absolutely safe.

Barbara
Right! Well, or be the Viking in me and come on strong and be proud of it. You know, I am strong! And if you can’t handle that, then you know, I think Viking women were super powerful and equal and that’s exactly what I want. I want definitely there’s more male and female roles, but I do want the equality of you know, owning my own mistakes. And you know, I want that. So, I want to bring that powerfulness to my life.

Marc David
Good for you! So if you had one requirement in a partner that seems to be above all else, what would it be?

Barbara
One! Wow…

Marc David
Okay, two!

Barbara
Well, I actually wrote down intelligence and honesty. I do require that they are intelligent emotionally and book wise. My kids are both super intelligent and are a chemical engineer and a computer scientist. And I just need that, I need to be able to talk about anything. My interests are diverse…

Marc David
I want to suggest, try this on, that you aim a little higher.

Intelligence. Okay, that’s a very strong preference. I totally get that. I want to see you consider putting towards the very top of your list in terms of what you’re looking for in a partner is somebody who sees and respects and elevates the queen in you.

Somebody who elevates the woman in you, somebody who sees the woman in you. And that they see it, they get it and that’s what they want. And they want the best for you and the best of you. Aim high. Sure, you’d like them to be intelligent.

Barbara
Well, I’ve only been interested in on this site. I feel bad because Ah okay, here we go here. I feel bad because I only want like higher educated people on the site and I don’t have a graduate degree but that is what I’m more interested in. I have found to have more in common with those people. And so that is who I’ve been steering towards, but I don’t know. But they’re not getting me. They’re not getting me.

Marc David
That’s why I’m saying I want you to put that first. Somebody who gets you. And from there, let the chips fall where they may because that’s the most important thing somebody to get you they could be brilliant. And have, you know, two different PhDs. And they don’t get you, they don’t see you, they don’t understand you. But they can have a good conversation. That’s not enough.

So that’s why I’m saying lead with your highest aspiration for yourself that you want in a partner. You want somebody who elevates you as a person, elevates you as a woman, elevates you as a queen. How does it feel when I say that? How does it land for you?

Barbara
It’s still, I’m a work in progress. I just tried to give myself that leeway but I am coming into my self worth. It just has to build. And I was actually terrified of this dating thing but I think it’s probably the best exercise that I can do for myself to it feels cold but helpful in getting me more focused, you know what I’m saying?

Marc David
You know, when you look at nature, you look at all animals in nature, mammals, reptiles, whales, dolphins, birds even mating rituals can be pretty intense. They’re gonna be pretty intense.

A lot of times, you got males fighting each other for the female. There’s a certain potency in the mating ritual. Now we’re humans. So we’re different from the creatures. And I like when you say this has been a good practice for me because it is practice and you are in a human kind of mating ritual. So it’s up to you in terms of how you do that you get to invent that for yourself. And the more you are conscious of how you wish to do your mating ritual the more you can attract the person you actually want. That’s why I’m saying in your mating ritual shoot for the highest that you want in a person. And yeah, that means you have to be worth it that you can attract somebody who sees the best in you and wants the best for you. I’d love to see that number one for your list. 1a, 1b, 1c…

And it’s a good thing to think about how that would feel. Imagine how it would feel like to be in relationship with a partner with a man who gets you and sees you and wants the best for you. Period.

So this is you healing your family of origin stuff. Because the beauty is you don’t live in your parents house anymore and you get to make up now, how you do relationship.

Barbara
My kids have always told me they’re astonished how women are always bending and twisting and they always say, like, women are in charge. How do you not know that, mom? Women are in charge, women are in charge of the house like the way things look, women are in charge, like, own that mom! You you decide what happens in a relationship? And if the guy is gonna come along, he’s gonna come along, but like, lead. Because they’re always saying there’s no equality women are in charge and they always have been, and I just don’t understand that women don’t know that. That’s what they’re always saying to me, you know?

Marc David
Well, you got some smart sons. I think they’re helping you balance out some other parts of you. So yeah, it’s also good for the feminine to be led and it’s also good to lead.

Barbara
It’s a balance.

Marc David
Yes, it’s a dance. Well, I have great hope for you.

Barbara
Thank you..

Marc David
Feels like you’re ready, and it feels like you want it and you’re open and you’re here. And you just need to keep standing by yourself and keep noticing what your boundaries are and be willing to have strong ones. Be willing to have very strong boundaries. No apologies.

Barbara
Yep!

Marc David
Barbara, thanks for such a good conversation. Thanks for such a real conversation. I hope this was helpful for you!

Barbara
Thank you, Marc! I appreciate it. I will continue to watch your segments, they’ve been really helpful for me and your books. I just really thank you!

Marc David
Thanks for being so kind, I appreciate you. I appreciate everybody for tuning in. Take care, my friends.